Tasha has not always gotten along well with Swordmaster Frist. The old Vartan first insisted that she learn how to use a saber before using the blades of her micro-shaard, calling the weapon 'inelegant' and unwieldy. He also required his two new students to practice and spar without armor, leading to a few nasty scratches and bruises at times. Often, he would chide Tasha about her balance when she faced off against Gabriel, as the big Karnor was still a bit more nimble on his feet than the half-Vartan was with her hooves and large wings.
Only when Gabriel and Tasha were adequately capable with their sabers did Frist begin training them in armor - but again, not their armor. It was deliberately bulky training armor, meant to instill an economy of motion and to work within limited mobility and dexterity. Here, Tasha did better than Gabriel thank to her strength. She was also learning how to deal with unpowered armor. Eventually, the Vartan trainer began letting them use their own gear. The learning curve was surprisingly steep, though for Tasha. She'd never used her armor in its unpowered state before, and she had issues using the shaard in its split form as two independent weapons (whereas using one half to strike and the other to shield felt more natural).
The hybrid was starting to overheat in her armor, since all of the life-support functions were off, as she swung her heavy weapon around to hit the padded target that Frist kept weaving and bobbing in front of her. "Economy!" he scrawked. "Don't let the lighter armor pull you back into bad habits."
Tasha mutters under her breath as she swings away. Perhaps, she thinks, her mother and her old captain kept her from the sword soley to save her from having to deal with yet another angry master barking orders and testing her patience. And she does have patience; more now than ever. She's managed to keep her temper throught the training regime, a far cry from a year ago when she'd have long ago given in to insults and bravado. Not that she hasn't wanted to now and then, but she's resisted, and she's proud of that -- perhaps even more so than the skills she has learned here.
On one swing, Frist deliberately yanks the target back before impact, to see how Tasha recovers. It isn't the first time, since the shaard isn't exactly a nimble weapon, and a miss can mean overbalancing due to momentum. It's taught Tasha not to overextend her reach.
Skills, to keep her alive during their return to Sinai. In a way, she's dreading their objectives and who they'll meet more than any physical threat. Meeting the Captain Astromancer is daunting enough, but she has her mother to face, too. deep down, the half-Vartan fears she's changed so much her mother may reject her, and her old crew as well. The training has provided, at the very least, a welcome distraction from the anxities that surround the coming mission.
Thinking on this, tasha almost given in to overextension again, but pulls her blow just in time. She breathes a mental sigh of relief as the swing doesn't go astray and she pulls her weapon back enough not to throw herself off-balance. She's begun to question if her weapon is really a good idea, but if she sticks with it, strength of will might not be the only muscle she builds.
"Break now, I can hear you panting," Frist declares. After twenty minutes of armored combat, stopping is an effort in itself as muscles begin to declare their soreness. From the sidelines, Gabriel nods approvingly. He'd probably cheer, but he's busy holding a large mug of something that will hopefully slake Tasha's thirst.
Tasha trudges over to her mate and accepts the mug. "My everything hurts," she exhales, low enough that she hopes Frisk can't hear her. "It's training to be a drover all over again. How are you doing, Captain?"
Gabriel helps Tasha get her helmet off before answering, and passes the mug of pink 'exercise juice' over. "Well, I'm glad I won't be the one wearing armor," he notes with a grin. "Other than my underwear, anyway. Fred assures me the impact reaction is based on the material itself, and not any power source."
"I hope he's right. Sinai does strange things to machines." Tasha lays her weapon aside and takes a long draught of the pink stuff, emptying half a glass before she lowers the mug. "Ahh, so much better. Honestly, I'm not sure what I was thinking when I had this thing built. Or decided to wear armor. I guess that's my inexperience showing, right?" She grins, then adds, "It did give me some time to think, at least. I came up with a few ideas for when we get back."
"I thought you wore it because it looked shiny?" Gabriel asks, and to prove he loves Tasha, he doesn't duck out of smacking range. "Space armor is handy in space. And you wanted to match your Titan too, I imagine."
Tasha does give her man a look, a rather predatory avian eye, but does not smack and only half because her arm would be even more sore. "Well, shininess is important," she insist, quite seriously. "But aside from that, I guess I do enjoy looking like my Titan. It's a little odd, isn't it, I guess? We're becoming more and more like each other all the time. I also thought training with him as his weapon would ... translate somehow to on-the-ground experience. Or something. I'm sure that mistake doesn't endear me any more to our training; do you think he resents me, too?"
"Melchior?" Gabriel asks, and refills Tasha's mug from a bottle (although why he didn't just give her the bottle in the first place is a mystery). "Can it resent you in the first place?"
"Oh no, not Melchior! I meant Frisk, our trainer. But that is an interesting question: does melchior resent me?" Tasha cocks her head to the side, but she soon shakes it. "No, I don't think so. I mean, as a machine of superior intellect, strength, lifespan, airspeed and shininess, he would have a reason to, but also as a machine, he was built for and understands his purpose. Beyond that, I think we're guininely very close. I don't treat him like a machine, or even much like my possession. I treat him like ... a partner. More than a partner. He's part of me, like my wing or my ears. We're as close as two beings can be and not be one being. There just isn't a word for it in any language I know."
"Codependence," Gabriel suggests. "As for Frist.. well, I think he's just naturally grouchy. But then I'm terrible at reading Vartans. It's the beak.."
"That funny! My mother always said I was hard to figure out as a child because I didn' have a beak and didn't do ... beaky things," Tasha admits with a grin. A grin that stumbles a moment as she remember she's going to see he mother, soon. As her expression falls, she asks, "You've met my mother, do you think she'll ... still recognize me? I'm a little worried; I'm not the person I used to be, and I've put everything I was aside for this. Even magic! I hate to say it, but I think I may be more afraid to see her than the Captain Astromancer himself. At least with him, I can only work my way up."
"Tasha.. every mother knows their child is going to grow up and change," Gabriel says, putting his hand on her cheek. "As long as you don't cut your hair short, she'll know it's you. And you can always get her drunk first before telling her anything shocking."
Tasha leans in to the hand, closing her eyes and nodding. "You're right I'm just ... over-worrying. I'm sure it will be fine. After all, didn't Remy tell me she wanted to touch a better world, and her connection to that world, is me? Now I have a better world for her, I really did make it, didn't I? She'll be proud ... I hope? I'm even a captain now, even if it is the world's easiest captaincy." She lets out a sigh, opening her eyes and leaning back, blinking a bit and smiling. "I'm sure it'll be OK, right?"
"Well, you may want to leave out the stuff about Melchior and Bellerophon and.. things that might seem too fantastic or magical, at least at first," Gabriel suggests. "Before all of this happened, would you have believed someone who came into the tavern talking about such things?"
"I'm still having a hard time believing it, and I'm here living it," Tasha answers with a laugh. "I'll try and keep things simple, maybe even offer her a chance to come see my work here. maybe she'll even like life here? Of course, then I'll have to worry about Captain Eyeshine resenting me ... and ... " She takes in a deep breath, exhales, and grins. "Right. One thing at a time. Speaking of which, what's next on our agenda? Do I need to practice moving the water pumps and drilling assemblies without Melchior?"
"I think we need to have some equipment checked out back at Tartarus, and I have a ton of paperwork to deal with," Gabriel says. "Has your long-lost sister turned up anything more for us to investigate?"
"Which sister is- ... Oh Hakeber? I haven't had time to ask. I think she's beeing with Eli. Maybe I should fly back and check in with those two," Tasha suggests, cocking her head to the side in question.
"He doesn't seem her type," Gabriel says with a grin. "How do you think your mother will react to her? Isn't she what you used to be like?"
"Hrrm," Tasha replies, twisting her muzzle. "Maybe she'll think she's me, then I can say I'm Nora and Nora is my clone, and Nora's clone is the clone of myself from another time period, who's friend's with the inner me, but none of us get along with the Empress. At that point she'll have completely lost track and I can change the subject!" The young woman laughs.
Gabriel barks a laugh and rolls his eyes. "You aren't going to tell your mom about all of your.. religious experiences, are you? I'm not entirely sure how Vartans feel about epiphanies and such," he notes. "You'd make up a list of topics that shouldn't be mentioned, so I'll know what not to say."
Tasha's ears perk. "That's right! I shouldn't mention having been a god, or being at odds with one, nor the prohecies or conspiracies, magical or otherwise. You know," she glances at her mate, "having my life infront of me, I've come to the conclusion I may be improbable. It's a good thing I'm steeped in religion, so I'll have to consider myself a faith." She grins. "Lets just start with 'hi mom, I've founded an organization that's supported by the governments of the planet Sinai -- we explore the planets and I'm a junior member by choice and experience.' She'll that I've humbled myself, but the organization and its backers may be too much. We'll see, at least we'll know how much she belives me. Then I can show her my armor, and that should help convience her you didn't brainwash me or that I'm not insane."
"Maybe leading with something shiny wouldn't hurt," Gabriel suggests, and looks to see if Frist has returned yet. Not seeing him, he says, "Some things will still work on Rephidim, after all. What sort of gift would really impress your mother?"
"Hmm." Tasha brushes her hair back, then rests her muzzle on her hand. "I already gave her 'sky metal' jewelry, and she thinks I've run off with a First One. We've got plenty of iron here, even gold and precious gems, but I think too valuable a offering would just put her in danger. It needs to be something expensive, and rare, maybe even heavily worked, but not so rare as to put her life in danger. Something that says, 'I have been to Abaddon,' something alien she's never seen before ... like ... a model of the Ajax, or a minature Titan. I'm sure the shiny shop in town has something."
"I'm sure there are toy Lawbringers available," Gabriel notes, and then snaps his fingers. "And Vartan clothing. Do you know her measurements?"
"I ... don't, not specifically, but I do have a general idea. I think that might work though, clothing. It would be easy to carry, inexpensive to buy here, and useful everyday -- probably much more durable than what she's used to. I'll buy her a traveling coat of the red leather, and a few outfits. That should be enough, don't you think? And if she comes to our world, she'll be prepared for the endless sand," Tasha offers, smiling.
"I knew clothes were the way to a woman's heart," Gabriel claims. "Why, my old mother-in-law was a sucker for monogrammed handkerchiefs.."
"Are you quite done over there?" Frist growls, having returned to the field. He's wearing armor as well now, and carrying a shield and broadsword.
"Trying to get good early with your potential new mother-in-law, huh?" Tasha gives Gabriel a considering, mischivious look, then winks. "She-" Whatever she was about to say is broken off by the arrivial of Frist, and Gabriel can see his mate literally jump in her armor as calls out. "Gah!" Turning around, she holds up her hands. "We're done! Ready, sir!"
"The guns can be disassembled easily enough, watch," Gizmo tells Tasha, as he attacks her mini-shaards with a wrench. "No sense carrying the weight down where you can't use 'em." There on the workbench in the Tartarus Base machine bay, he makes it look easy - the work of a few minutes.
Folding her hands, Tasha watches with a grow that steadily climbs up her head. Without enginners, she thinks, nothing would ever happen. At least, not happen and work. "Thank you Gizmo. Sinai's rough on technology -- anything more complicated than a pile of gears is dangerous to carry anywhere, let alone use. We'll be restricted to swords and crossbows, but at least metalurgy isn't effected, so we at least have an advantage in materials."
With the shotguns detached, each half of the shard is nearly ten pounds lighter - although still hefty. "Well, guns are pretty simple things, really. But it's the ammo you have to watch out for, I guess."
Gizmo notes.
"I guess so. No need to blow ourselves up on arrival, I'm sure we'll have our fair share of other dangers before we return," Tasha agrees. Picking up and sheathing her weapon, she then turns and asks, "Is there anything else I need to know? Any tips, advice, or suggestion of materials or tools to bring?"
"A good set of wrenches will never let you down," Gizmo claims, and taps his chin. "Camp stove, water purification pills, wind-up lamp.. maybe an inflatable raft. Parasails if you know how to use them. Trencher shovel, canned rations, screw-in boot cleats.. flares are probably too dangerous. Do compasses work on Sinai?"
"They do ... usually. We have a few tools that are particular to dealing with the SPF, too, so I'll grab some of those. Let me jot these down." Tasha takes a moment to dig out her datapad and enter the suggestions, also adding 'knife with various size and shape grooves for bolts'like the one Blammo showed her, to round out the set. "There. Very good ideas. Anything else?"
Eyeing the datapad, Gizmo suggests, "Paper notebooks and pencils."
"Very good idea. This thing is like my other brain. Well. My other, other brain." Grinning, tasha jots that down, adding in chalk and coal for marking areas. "I think that covers things." She then extends her free hand. "Thank you very much. With luck you'll be seeing us again in a month or two."
"Sure thing!" Gizmo says. "I'll have these babies waiting for you. Oh, might want to bring some first aid supplies too. Not sure how medicine works on Sinai, since you've got Life Mages and all."
"Life magic is too costly for most, so we get by using herbary, some very basic first aid, and things like that. Nothing like the doctors we have here, or even first aid training. It couldn't hurt to brush up on first aid, come to think of it ... " Tasha adds that too, then stos her datapad and nods. "There, everything. Our ship's autodoc can give us first aid training; that should be everything. I guess I'm off then -- see you in a few months!"
"Good luck!" Gizmo says to the retreating woman. The base is busy, doing.. whatever it is Tartarus does other than house Bellerophon. But she doesn't notice and new monster carapaces on her way to the hangar. There, Melchior stands next to Bellerophon. Even after dealing with mountain-sized flying monsters and extra-dimensional amber, the sight of Bellerophon is still impressive. The giant aerospike engines nestled against the body are covered in scaffolding as new steel ribs and plates are being added to protect the exposed machinery.
Tasha pauses as she enters the hangar, taking a moment to enjoy the sight of her awe-inspiring vessel. It makes her smile as she looks up, sweeping her gaze from end to end, absorbing the fine detail and all the intangible things that make the Bellerophon more than just a ship -- that make it a home.
After a minute of reverie, Tasha' heads for the boarding ramp, returning the salutes of the guards before boarding. "I'm home," she calls out, just because she so rarely is these days.
"You are?" asks an unfamiliar Karnor in the vehicle bay... next to an unfamiliar (but certainly local) vehicle. A panel is open, and various bits of mechanical guts are spread out on a tarp. "Hey Tasha," an armored suit says while waving. It must be Fred. "Did you bring us any gifts?"
"I did in fact, but who's this?" Tasha asks, nodding to the unfamiliar Karnor. "Have we started recruiting?"
"That's Scooter, my new apprentice," Fred says. "Nothing official, I just needed some extra hands."
Tasha blinks, taking a moment to peer at the new additiion. "All clear with the higher ups?" She steps forward, extending her hand. "I'm Tasha, Joint Expeditionary Cadet and pilot of the Melchior."
The young Karnor boy (well, teenager at least) wags his tail and smiles to Tasha. "So, you're the one who washed that crawler naked, right?" He gets up, offers his hand, pulls it back, wipes the grease off on his butt, then offers it again.
Tasha barks a laugh, shaking the hand. "That's the story he told you? You be careful around that man, he's a bad influence." She then lowers her voice to mock-conspiratorial levels. "He's also brilliant, but don't let him know I told you that."
"So he was just teasing me?" Scooter asks, his ears drooping.
"No, it's all true. Even the embarassing parts. Especially the embarassing parts," the young woman answers, grinning even wider. "Did he tell you anything else about me that didn't involve my being naked?"
"Uh, not really," Scooter admits. "Just, like: if you work here long enough, you may get to see a naked girl wash this crawler again.."
Tasha lets out a long sigh, head shaking. "No history, no 'she's the one that founded this whole mess', 'she pilots the big Titan' ... nothing?" Turning her head, she waggles a finger at Fred. "When the time comes, I'm putting Mariel in charge of orientation! And here, I have work for you!" She pulls out her datapad, manipulates it, then waits for it to blink.
"What, I don't have enough work?" Fred asks, then seems to pause in thought. "It's not instantaneous when you send it electronically any more. Do you really need all this stuff? It doesn't make for light packing."
"Just narrow it down to what you think will be most useful for least weight," Tasha decides. "And working keeps you busy and not corrupting prospective members." Smiling, she turns back to the boy and says, "It was very nice to meet you. Since Fred likes you, when the time comes, you can consider yourself invited to apply for membership, if you want to. Right now, though, I need to head inside and get everything squared away -- several of us will be leaving for a mission to Sinai in the next few days."
"Don't worry, I'll keep in line," Scooter claims, then salutes.
Tasha returns the salute, then turns and heads in to the ship. "Are there any more surprises I should know about?" She calls out as she walks down the corridor. "I'm back!"
The head of Eli Zerachiel pokes out of the bio lab - but probably not the 'real' one she left back in the Pit. "Ah, Tasha Prime, how have you been? Are you ovulating at the moment?"
Tasha pauses in her tracks, her expression ungoing a trainwreck of surprised emotion. After a moment she asks, "What?"
"I need some fresh eggs," PC Eli notes. "If it's a good time for you to donate some.."
Tasha just stares at Eli a moment, then simply shrugs. "Lets find out. Leave some of me left, as I'll need some resolve to deal with Mariel and Nora and whatever horrors they've saved for me." She steps inside the Med Bay.
Surprisingly, the virtual doctor has her pick up a small device, and aim it into her ear. She presses a button, there's a beep, and Eli-2 says, "Ah, doesn't look promising. Your temperature is normal."
"I've been trying to keep my head a normal temperature these days," Tasha admits, giving the doctor a grin. "Does that mean you don't need me? Have you been in contact with Eli ... Prime?"
"Oh, we... communicate," this version of Eli notes. "I know you've uncovered some very exotic material, but the details are fuzzy. Since we only seem to share the memory link when the other Eli dreams, that's to be expected. I'm sure it'll be much clearer when we meet up again."
"Oh, yes! Topogoric -- Harmonia says it's space/time condensed upon itself by an organic process. I brough a shard back for analysis here on /Bellerophon,/ to get more minds on the effort -- plus I figured you'ld all enjoy working with the mystery." Tasha digs through her bags, then pulls out the peculiar crystal-like, beer-colored object. "Here we are! I was going to give it to Fred, but he's busy and telling stories, so it goes to you."
"Oh my, you'd better bring it forward more.." Eli starts to say, then pauses in thought. "Or maybe not. Best to leave it in here for now."
Tasha holds the crystal where it is, looking down at it and frowning in thought. "Your other you suggests it might have all sorts of interesting and useful properties, such as emitting various forms of energy and waves when applied the same, in specific variations. The output is rather low for this small piece, but we have much larger fragments. Known concerns he mentioned are temporal broadcasting, and possibility of atomic reactions."
"All the more reason to not bring it too close to the Magic Lantern," Eli suggests. "I'll have SAINA come in and help me run some tests before we bring it any closer to the Sifran stack."
"Good, I'd hate to lose you all in time ... again." She places the crystal down on a nearby table, then thumbs towards the exit. "Anything else?"
"Have you been exposed to any interesting chemicals or radiations?" Eli asks, looking hopeful.
Tasha tilts her head, about to make a joke, but pauses and gives the question serious thought. She purses her muzzle, then nods. "There was the rift I flew in to, but we already scanned for that. I did collect these shards en mass from the crash site, and I've been putting myself in temporal stasis between flights when on the Harmonia. Other than that ... No, I don't think so?"
"Alright, but if you get exposed to anything that makes you feel funny, let one of me know," Eli notes. "Especially if you get pregnant."
Tasha blinks at that. "Why would I be exposed to something that would make me get pregnant? What would make me get pregnant? Is there something that I should be aware of?? I mean, besides the usual?"
"Well, I'm sure you know how that sort of thing works.. oh, sorry," Zerachiel notes, and waves a hand. "I didn't mean that the two things were linked.."
"Oh. OK then. I'm just going to be ... going now. I'll keep you informed of any ... oddities." Tasha smiles, then reaches over and pats the virtual doctor's arm, and turns to head out. As she goes, she calls out, "Mariel! Will you be my bastion of sanity?"
"Is Scooter with you?" is the reply, from further up the corridor towards the ramp to the upper deck.
"Now he's still being told terrible stories about me in the vehicle bay," Tasha replies, perking her ears forward. She's missed Mariel. The ghostly ensign has always felt like a little sister, even if she is thounsands of years older, and were that not a factor, still a year or two older all else being equal.
The girl pokes her head around a bulkhead, then smiles to Tasha. "Okay, it's just.. he gets sorta weird around me," she explains. "How have you been? Going on adventures and fighting monsters?"
"He is a little weird, but I've found that's pretty normal with young men from the Expedition." Smiling, tasha steps forward and holds her arms out, answering, "Oh, you know! We found water, and a few other things, one I brought with me. There was a attack on the dam I helped with, but I was mostly just support."
The shy girl takes the offered hug, and asks, "Have you been having fun then?"
Tasha hugs the omega, feeling in her heart the young woman appreciates having someone around to be there for her. Pack instinct or Vartan clan drive, Tasha doesn't want any of her crew to suffer more than they must -- and that includes feeling alone or unsupported.
"I like to think so. It's been hard work, though. Between the politics, the flights, and the emergencies, I've mostly been working while I've been away. But at least the mission is a success, and we won some points in defending the dam. I think it was worth the effort, anyway."
"It's been kinda dull here for me," Mariel admits. "Fred and the doctors are always busy, and even Nora has lots of stuff to deal with. It's just me and PC Tasha at times, now that the bunnies have left. They even took Fallen-Star with them."
"They did? Well ..," Tasha brushes her hair back, head shaking. "I trust Layth to know what he's doing, so I guess all I can do is wish them luck. As for you, I'm really sorry there isn't more for you to do. With Fred, Nora, and the doctors, we can rely on their technical and logistics skill to keep them busy, but your operator skills and speciality technical skills are harder to work with. Let me ask you: what would you like to do? Is there any work you'ld like to be involved with? Idea for helping out?"
"Work.." Mariel says, shaking her head. "I just want to get out of the ship sometime. I've had SAINA roll around and map the base, so I can walk around in a virtual version when I connect back up to the system. You and I.. I mean, PC Tasha and I.. race the transports around in it a lot, or sneak around and pretend everyone else is hiding.."
Tasha listens attentively, but inwardly winces. She had feared this would happen -- that without the rush to keep everyone occupied, boredom would set in. No, she decides, it's worse than boredom -- it's being in a cage that you can't escape, no matter how hard you try, even though the door is wide open infront of you.
Steeling herself, Tasha pushes a smile to her face and says, "That's no good; we need you happy and busy! And not just work, either. While it's probably not a long term solution -- and I /am/ hoping for long-term solutions -- how about I clear you for access to Harmonia? She's an AI who's proclaimed to have achieved self-awareness within the Sinai environment. In fact, Melchior might be getting there too. It's an extraordinary thing, I think, and it needs someone to document and investigate who's an expert in the field. Aside form that, there's a piece of reshape space/time with PC Eli you might like to help investigate, and when we return, we may have a treasure of exotic artifacts to reverse engineer. How about it?"
"That sounds interesting!" Mariel says, her tail wagging. "Having someone new to talk to that I won't feel awkward around will help a lot. And I bet I could be a scientist, with some help.."
"I know you could! You're way smarter than me -- that's why you're here and I'm out nearly killing myself all the time." Tasha winks, tail wagging right back. "And don't be too hard on Scooter, he's just attracted to you and he doesn't know how to deal with it -- I've know lots of men like that. You should take it as a compliment and try to remember that he's struggling, so be nice to him, but if you don't like it, be firm but gentle. Men have very fragile egos in some things, and love and sex are two of them."
"Well, it's just that I don't know anything about dealing with guys my own age," Mariel notes. "I think Nora scares Scooter though. Plus I'm shy, and he's shy.. so it's always awkward and then Fred says something that'll send us both running. I bet you never had these problems!"
"I did, actually. At least at first. But that doesn't mean I got over my problem so much as just created a new one ... " Tasha waves Mariel down the hall as she begins to walk. "You see, when I was growing up, I was insecure. Really insecure. I had body anxiety; I was smaller than everyone around me, so I also was the runt; I was poor; I was uneducated; I hated my father for abandoning me and making me feel unwanted, and I hated myself for being weak. So, when I started coming in to my Vartan strength and, um, femininity, I used them both to get what I thought was respect and appreciation, but was really just ... bravado, indulgence, and cruelty. I was a terrible person, Mariel, so I really got over my anxiety with men by becoming abusive. It's definitely not anything anyone should envy."
Tasha glances at mariel, and admits, "I even did the same thing with women, except then it was a power contest or a way to leverage someone's affection to show that I could beat men at their own game, and of course, it was shallow indulgence. I didn't have a meaningful relationship until I met Layth."
"Wow, so.. you were pretty messed up," Mariel notes as she follows up the ramp. "Does that even seem like your life when you look back at it? They say you can never go home again, but that only makes sense if home isn't a place, but your past."
"See, you're very smart. You just figured out one of the biggest problems I'm dealing with emotionally, all from that little story. You're right: I sometimes look back and wonder if I'm really the same person anymore. I've changed so much, I'm genuinely afraid my mother and the others from my earlier life will reject me. Add in the emergency download from Nora's memories, the attempts at my mind, and interface with AI, and sometimes my whole being seems really insubstantial -- like I'm just whatever I need to be at the moment, without a concrete self to fall back on." Tasha inhales, looking up as she walks, then exhales before she adds, "I live by just putting one hoof infront of the other and beliving I'm me, however much I change, and that I'm changing for the better. Even if my mother does reject me, I ... I think I can go on, however much that might hurt. I haven't quite been able to shake the unreality of it all, though, nor the sense that I'm changing rapidly and that 'self' is fluid ... but th
but that's probably just my realizing 'self' means more than flesh and memory. I'm sure you've had to deal with a much stronger version of that?"
Mariel stops and looks at Tasha, then asks, "All these things you're afraid of.. but are you worried that being back in that place will make you go back to who you were before?"
Tasha stops as well, turning. She tilts her head to the side a moment, but shakes her head. "No, I'm not. I know now that I've changed and that I cannot and will not return to that life, that I've seen more and want more. For better or for worse, I plan to keep going and find where this path leads me, even if I have to leave my past behind, even should it reject me."
"And you'll be able to face your family and not.. well.. think poorly of them?" Mariel asks. The inflection of her voice hints that maybe she's experienced something similar.
Tasha smiles gently, laying a hand on Mariel's shoulder. "I like to think that I love people for who they are, not for who I may want them to be. My mother's had a hard life, and I can see a lot of what i went through in her. She's done the best she could with what she has. And, I know too that it's easy for me to say this, because I've been lucky -- and without that luck I'd still probably be the same person I was, or at least mature far later than I have. Empathy, that's what it is Mariel. Technology aside, it's empathy that keeps people together and lets us feel love. And part of that is knowing we all have our flaws and our shame. Or, at least I think so. I may have just had one too many voices in my head giving me advice." She smiles a little more.
"As long as it's good advice, it should be fine!" Mariel says, cheering up. "We should go see Nora, and SAINA misses you, I think.."
Before she heads on, Tasha stops mariel with a gentle pressure from the hand on her shoulder. "Mariel, is there something bother you? You seemed uncomfortable with the topic, like maybe you have or had been dealing with a problem? Would you like to tell me?"
"Oh, it's just.." the younger wolf says, looking down at the floor. "You know I'm not really one of the Karnor Elite, right? I mean, I hadn't proved myself before the Expedition. I'm a Green, not a White Card like Nora and the others. My parents were both Blue Cards - fit for soldiers, but nothing much else. My dad isn't even my biological father."
Tasha lays her ears back, then quietly guides Mariel until they reach her room, which Tasha feels she'll be more comfortable in. Then, she has a seat, gesturing Mariel to have one too. "That must ahve been really hard on you, Mariel. It's one thing to have it suggested you're inferior, as was my case, and quite another to a system in place to enforce those feelings. It's really awful, frankly, and save for a purely reslts based opinion, I would think it completely without merit. More accurately, I think it lacked a great deal of empathy, which was, to use their word, inhuman of the humans and Karnor alike." Quite unrealized, Tasha finds her fist clenched as she works in to her pep talk; thinking of a whole system to enforce inferiority on good people like Mariel strikes her a nerve in more ways than one.
"My father was always.. I mean, he loved me, but it was like I reminded him that he was deemed inadequate or something," Mariel says quietly. "When I got to school, and really pushed myself.. I wanted him to be proud. But when I got my Green Card for my scores, he.. just turned away. It was really hard. Mom kept me going, encouraged me to join the Expedition - I'd get my White Card, but she knew I might never see her again, depending on when I got back. I couldn't understand how she could just let me go like that, at the time. I think I do now though."
"I'm sorry you had to endure that, Mariel. You're a lot stronger than me in many ways. I'm fretting the same will happen to me, but you've already been there." Tsha looks down at her hands, putting them in her lap and thinking a moment. "I always feared my father, if he ever saw me, would be disgusted. That doesn't mean I'm saying that I understand what you went through; I don't think I can ever understand completely, but I just want you to know that maybe we have something in common. Maybe he felt like he had lost you, that you had gone off to a world he could never follow. And, maybe he felt inferior, as men often do when they can't meet their desires. Your mother seems like she wanted the best for you and was willing to sacrifice, perhaps too much, for that chance. It's hard to know why people do the things they do, some times."
Tasha adds, blinking as if having remembered or realized something. "Your father sounds like my old captain, Captain Eyeshine, actually. Almost exactly, save that Eyeshine never could ge my mother."
"Will you be seeing him again?" Mariel asks. "Did he raise you?"
"In a sense, he did. He and my mother had been with each other for as long as they'll let on, and he clearly cares a great deal about her, but she never wanted him. Even after he became a captain and a success, she still rejects him. When I was born -- by a Karnor father no less -- it just reminded him he could never be good enough. Even though he kept my mother on, even though he gave us a home, work, the whole world to travel, he was never good enough. It's must be a cruel pill to swallow for anyone." Lowering her voice, Tasha says, "Nora deals with the same thing, it's part of why I try not to be around much anymore. As long as I'm here, Nora can never grow to be the person I know she can be. And yes, I may see him when I return to Rephidim. I really don't know what to expect when he learns what I've done, and who I've become."
"I can't really give you any advice," Mariel admits. "I'm not really older or wiser, and nobody's perfect. You probably know lots of people with parent issues though, I bet!"
Tasha smiles. "I seem to, that's true. Layth could beat both of us out for parental problems, in fact. I just hope he understands, and of my mother follows me to Abaddon, that he understands enough to either know to let go, or to change in a way that will help him find what he's looking for. I owe that much to him. But that's me, as for you ... "
Spreading her hands, the Vartan says, "Mariel, look at us. Look at the Expedition. An entire fleet of Elites and some of the best human minds of the time, and it's us who are putting back together the ashes of what they couldn't accomplish. There are plenty of people in this world who have been told they're less than, trash, or worse, who have become successful. You showed that you could rise above expectation, but more so, you've endured where they have failed. And you know what? Who cares what they think. They couldn't even figure out something as simple as empathy, and for all their claim humanity is what they are, everything I've seen says Human were just as messed up as everyone else. Heck, look at me -- I doubt they'd trust me with a card, and I've brought some of the most excellent people together to do what they could not. Don't limit yourself, Mariel, and don't limit others. That's the best advice I can give on this. Be proud of who you are, and I know you'll go far. This," she gestures arou
aroudn, "is just a setback. Death won't stop the JEF, it won't stop us, and it won't stop you. Who else, can say that?"