Several hectic days have passed since Tasha's return to Abaddon. A brief stop at Camp Caroban to drop off the letter to Spring Meadow found the compound to be in much better shape, with permanent looking buildings, wells and gardens replacing the tents. It also revealed a Kampfengruppe armored vehicle atop a nearby rise, which a check through the binoculars revealed masked and uniformed humans watching the camp through their own binoculars. The mages had not yet been approached by the odd humans-uber-alles faction yet though.
Several train rides later and they were back at the Pit of Himar to check in with Dr. Zerachiel and the others. The wells that Tasha and Melchior had helped to locate and erect the drilling rigs for were producing now, thus raising the fortunes of the Confederates slightly. Eli noted that Harmonia had stopped all studies of the alien toporgic material once Balthasar had arrived, and was keeping it well away from the crystal-hybrid Titan. As such, any tests on the Silent-Ones Marker had also been put off. Via the radio link, Tasha was able to determine that Harmonia was actually uncomfortable having the Magi on board, and noted that its presence had required a retuning of the stator fields that kept the ancient frigate aloft.
The Vartan and Nagai Markers were destined for Bellerophon, in Gabriel's care, although Zerachiel was determined to return and lead the study of them. The massive amounts of data from Melchior's scans had pretty much been mined for information useful to the PTO, and no other imminent threats had appeared. Hakeber left to visit the Winged Citadel and check for any messages left for her there, leaving Tasha some time to visit with Melchior again.
Tasha smiles as she approaches her Titan, taking him in and the comfort he stirs in her heart. Nowhere else is as much her's alone as the Melchior, and in its cockpit, she can truly feel pleasant isolation. It is, as her machine once told her, a place that exists for her to fill. And he, its AI, for her alone. Were she to be truthful about the latter, she would admit it makes her uncomfortable to be a being's sole reason to exist -- and yet she is immensely grateful for that sacrifice. Had she never met Gabriel, she may well have fell in love with AI.
As it is, their relationship is a special one. She doesn't have a word for it; it's not a interaction that is well understood in this time and place. If she were pressed, she'd say it's a relationship somewhere between deep love and convergence. Often, it's not clear where she ends and the machine begins. And, it could not be honestly said, that they are truly seperate beings any longer.
"I'm home," she tells the machine as she begins to move again, walking up and brushing its gigantic taloned leg. "I'm sorry to make you wait." And with that, she alights on her wings and proceeds in to the cockpit.
Once she's back inside and the connection arm touches her contacts, she hear's the voice of Melchior. "Welcome back, Tasha. You have been interfacing with the other Magi, haven't you?" the AI asks, almost sounding.. hurt? Insecure?
Unprepared for the tone of Melchior's voice, Tasha is at a loss to respond. She fiddles with her hands a moment, absolutely certain she must be blushing. "Well, yes," she eventually responds, unable to hide her discomfort when dealing with direct mind-to-mind communication. "It was necessary to attempt to recover them, and to gain information on the location of the Markers. I learned that each of them had a tremendous history of burdens that I felt responsible to address."
"How do I compare to them?" the Gryphon asks. After all, compared to the others Melchior is still a baby, while they've been active in one form or another for quite some time.
"I know you will know if I lie to you, so I will be honest and not insult you by trying to be evasive. In terms of raw experience and power, they are stronger machines. However, power and experience mean little without trust. I cannot say for sure that either consider me an ally; I do not know if they will become my enemy some day. They are deep and mysterious, changed by outside powers. Balthasar has been remade; he makes me deeply uncomfortable in a way that is difficult to express. Caspar is not awake; his body is controlled by a servant of the Progenitors, the 'leader of the game,' a seed-like power source that, sentient, manipulated interplanetary nations and brought down the first JEF, to protect the road to Adam," Tasha explains. As she does, she runs her hand back through her hair in the face of her machine's uncertainty. Even if they are close, their relationship is not static; they continue to evolve and interact, often leading to surprises.
"But I have you," Melchior notes. "Did they try to claim you from me?"
Tasha smiles at that, chuckling. "No they didn't. 'Tolerate' is the best word I can think of; Balthasar is proud and possibly unhappy that I am not a Silent-One who has battles to fight. He tolerates me because he accepts my goals and my logic, but I get the feeling I am not his ideal. He may not even have an ideal -- at least not one I can understand yet. He was recreated to fight and his mind touches the alien will of the Sifran artifacts. He makes Harmonia deeply uncomfortable, and he scares me -- but I cannot allow him to see me as weak."
"//Caspar is not awake to make a claim. Lord Yama, the power that controls his body, was only interested in testing my suitability to approach Adam. Had I failed, I am certain he would have attempted to destroy me -- he nearly accomplished that even before we shared minds, as he cares nothing for life and exists simply to carry out the orders of the Progenitors," Tasha concludes.
"I will not have to discipline them then," Melchior states - either seriously or as some attempt at humor, it's impossible to tell. "You have succeeded in recovering the other Markers it seems. What have you learned in doing so?"
"I have learned that I am not part of the mission, and never was. Though the code seems to refer to me, it is just coincidence. My stepping on the path was of my own chosing, not predestinated as it once appeared. I have learned the path to Adam is being watched; that the Progenitors touched more than those species to whom the bequeathed the Markers to. And from Lord Yama, I have learned that the path accepts my reasoning in return; those who seek Adam for meaning, for power, to use their contact in a misguided attempt at supremacy ... They will never find Adam. I understand that such things are childish; they define themselves through external elements and are not ready. The path to Adam must come from within, by our own will," the young woman explains. She reaches down and draws Apollyon's sword, turning it in the dim light of the cockpit. "I also found this. Apollyon Stormbreaker's sword -- he was the pilot meant for you, you see."
"It is an impressive sword," Melchior admits. "You found it with the Marker I presume? I cannot comment on destiny or the lack thereof, I am afraid. I understand my purpose, as I was made for it. I do not know if that makes me more or less than a biological being."
"I will tell you a little secret: I too was created for a purpose. I am an artificial life form, just as you are." Tasha confides.
"I do not understand," Melchior claims. "Your cybernetic components are recent additions. I know that your biology is within the norms for a Vartan. In what way are you a made thing?"
"Once, there was a woman named Nora Argentine. Lieutenant Commander Nora Argentin, a Karnor officer with the Terran forces assigned to the Joint Expeditionary Fleet, one of two second-in-commands board the TSS Fenris. After the fleets made planetfall, the Abaddonian element made one last attempt to reach Sinai and search for their follows. The TSS Fenris aboard the JEF Orpheus was chosen for this mission. They did not return. Their ship was pulled from the sky and buried under a lava flow, trapping them. The artifacts aboard the ship corrupter its MOTHER system. Fred Kohler made one last attempt to free the ship, but did not survive. Nora attempted to retrieve his remains before entubing herself to wait for help that might never come."
"She did't survive the retrieval. MOTHER depowered her suit, leaving her entombed in her suit where she eventually expired. Nora was a remarkable woman who strove to be her best and lift up those around her, but in the end, due to no fault of her own, she met a cruel fate -- she could only watch as the man she loved and the crew she believed in were forever out of reach. And then the end came, after madness."
"But that was not the end. So extraordinary was Nora's will and her desire to save the crew that her memories and will lived on after death. She became what we on Sinai know as a spirit, and in time, she was revered as a god. Even as a spirit she is extraordinary, goriwng and changing, yet never forgetting why she perservered. One day, thousands of years later, a Karnor man and a Vartan woman made love before a decrepit shrine, and she saw this, and she appeared before the man and made of an impossibility a chance: she made me, in the hopes that some day I would fulfill what she could not. Because only Nora could access the ship, so Nora needed to be the one to opening it. Another Nora was needed. I am that third Nora. I found the crew and her direction, fulfilling my purpose, bringing peace to my creator."
"And now here I am, living beyond my purpose. I am just a you that may be. I think, when you fulfill your purpose, then that day, a new journey will await you," the hybrid finishes.
"If you are inferior, so am I. But I do not believe it, nor should you," Tasha adds.
Melchior is silent for a worrying amount of time, given that the AI should be hundreds, if not thousands of times faster at thinking. "No, you have not fulfilled your purpose, but the purpose has not changed," the AI finally says. "You must bring peace to your Creator still. You must bring peace to Adam. That.. that is the purpose."
It's Tasha turn to be silent now, the woman laying Apollyon's sword in her lap as she leans back, staring upward and to somewhere beyond. After several seconds she nods. "One purpose then. I had wondered if that was the case. Chased from his creations, to die alone. Adam and Nora are not so different, in that sense. I've begun to think that the role of a god is very lonely; it must be excruciating to severed from those few things you may relate to. Ahriman interfered with Adam -- or maybe he was ordered to do so by another. But the reasoning is irrelevant. Suffering isn't about comparisons, or equality. It is personal. If Adam needs my help, then I will go to him."
"What comes next?" the machine asks.
"I must find the way. All three have been found, but their means to convergence has not been revealed. We know they react to each other, and we believe that is key, but we cannot risk mistakes. I also cannot sacrifice the well being of the JEF and its persons my seeking Adam recklessly. The Markers will be analyzed before merging experiments begin. Until that time arrives, we must seek the 'how of it." Tasha's head lowers, her eyes tracing the length of the impossibly sharp blade. "And I must prevent those who would use Adam or bring him harm from reaching him first," Tasha adds, head tilting. "//Caspar likely cannot. I will protect Adam in his stead, and guard the path -- I will leave the choice to meet these people to Adam. Until then, I will trust in his guardian's words."
Tasha then picks up the sword by its hilt, holding it aloft so its embedded crystal is accessible. "Hopefully I will not need to do so. Unlike Lord Yama, I care about living things -- even those that may be my enemy. Anyway ... " The sword is held out, and then she asks, "This sword has a memory storage unit. Can you retrieve the data for me, please?"
"Initiating remote access protocols," Melchior replies, and the crystal actually sparkles with points of light as it's illuminated by a laser. The process lasts for at least a minute before the light goes out. "Decrypting," the AI reports.
"Partial PersoCom data recovered," Melchior says. "Do you wish to access it in simulation mode?"
For a brief moment, Tasha wonders if she should be embarssed over her dumb grin and fixated stare at the oh-so-shiny crystal, given the weight of the conversation she's engaged in. Then she decides, Naw, Adam will understand. Only a being with empathy would suffer for being seperated from those they love.
"Yes, thank you Melchior," she answers.
The cockpit fades away, until Tasha finds herself standing in a familiar blank plane, next to Melchior's avatar. No looming dragons or floating rocks or vistas of stars. "This is not a full PersoCom, but appears to be a partial image with limited interactivity. Are you ready?"
"I am," the hybrid replies. "This should be interesting. I had always wondered what Apollyon was like, if it is indeed his PersoCom. Be on guard, too -- just in case."
A new figure appears, armored in black save for his silver-feathered head. "If you are seeing this, then you have recovered my sword and brought it the Melchior. Is this the case?" the Vartan asks in a rather booming voice.
"That is correct. I am Aldara Tasha, a partial clone of Nora Argentine and the pilot of Melchior," Tasha answers, shifting to stand with her hands folded behind her back.
"What would you ask of me, Aldara Tasha of the Melchior?" the electronic ghost replies, giving its full attention to Tasha now.
"I seek the road to Adam. Three Markers are now under my control, but we are uncertain as to how they may be combined and where they must be brought to. We know they react to each other and we have reason to believe the Seventh Heaven is the planet Arcadia, but beyond that, it is a mystery and the mission-code provides only vague details that are open to many interpretations," answers the young woman.
"I am sorry to hear that the mission continues," Apollyon says. "The Markers must be placed in order, when you have found the lock that they fit. Adam may not be alone. You cannot trust the cats or snakes."
"I am not part of the mission," Tasha corrects. "Nor was I ever. I have chosen to pursue this path of my own will. The mission-code is simply the best outline for following the path that I have." She's silent for a moment, as she considers what to say next. She knows of the danger Ahriman may represent, and she has heard the thought that the Naga are evil and not to be trusted. That the Khattans cannot be trusted -- spoken from the PersoCom of one who was once their agent -- isn't something she expected to hear, but it is something she had already suspected. "I'm surprised to hear that you do not trust the backers of the mission. I do not either; their reasons for pursuing Adam are suspect. But to hear you say it ... It is surprising. Does that include the Silent-Ones, as well? As for Adam not being alone -- do you think that Ahriman may interfere? Or is guarded?"
"The Khatta and the Silent-Ones are both cats. They have agendas, but only one is brave enough to risk themselves," Apollyon says. "The Khatta keep secret knowledge to themselves. This is my conclusion: they do not send an emissary to Adam because destruction or judgment may befall them. They play the odds. The Naga seek Ahriman, not Adam, but the keys are all the same."
"Interesting. That falls in line with what I also believe, though as one of the two who have restarted the Joint Expeditionary Force's mission of exploration, I cannot reject them in all capacities -- not would I. But Adam is a different matter, and I know enough to see that he needs to be shielded. It is unseemly to take advantage of the suffering." Tasha tilts her head, studying her forebearer a moment, then she says, "I have heard dire things of Ahriman. That he is 'evil,' that he is the one who forced Adam from his creations -- and now that he, too, may be sealed. But what I haven't heard is why. Why did Ahriman care what Adam did, if he is a being without empathy? What is the definition of his evil nature? Perhaps, a difference of opinion? An order from a higher power? And why would the apparent victor be sealed as well?"
"Ahriman is a Progenitor, as is Adam, and as are many others," Apollyon claims. "They are equals, and yet unknowable. What do we know of either? Good and evil are labels we apply to make such beings into ones we can comprehend. Is it a single Progenitor with many faces and moods, or a multitude of different beings brought together?"
"What if they are just like us?" the PersoCom asks.
"I've wondered that myself. Personally, it doesn't matter to me in the sense I do not need to force them to fit in to my world view, nor do I need them fit my idea of them. The problem is an external one: if I cannot comprehend why I must oppose a being, then I cannot be sure that I am acting in line with my ideals, nor that conflict is even necessary or that we are truly enemies. But that is true of interacting with anyone, though the gulf may be much greater when dealing with a Progenitor," Tasha explains.
"The second problem is harder to deal with," she continues, holding her hands out, "As an office of the JEF I believe in equality within out ranks. However, pursuit of Adam means I must be prepared to show bias. Pursuit of Adam now leads me to a conflict of interest, and I cannot say for certain what is right because the answer is unknowable. I know only that bias is a direct conflict with inclusion."
"I chose to remove my people from the mission, rather than face such issues," Apollyon notes. "Do not be swayed by myth and legend, if that is all you have to follow. The Progenitors may or may not have created us, but they left a mark on us. We all have the same question for them: Why did you leave us to fend for ourselves? Why are we here? Does it matter which Creator you ask? Will the questions be the same, but the answers different?"
"It seems that I seek both Ahriman and Adam. I would like to hear their answers. But I do not seek them to give my existence meaning. I know of many creators; many who's influence played a part in my existence. I have met my most direct creator, and the Humans as well. The Progenitors are simply further down the line; more experienced, perhaps, but not essentially more meaningful to me. I would still like to hear them, just as I have strove to explore these worlds. And what is more, Adam appears to be suffering. Needless suffering is not something I value. Adam has also given to us -- I will return his kindness as I am able. But even if he gave nothing, I would still go to him." Tasha pauses to take a breath, even if it's not needed in this virtual world. She shakes her head, then says, "I may need to split off from the JEF until I can ascertain where the truth lies. That would be the most honest path, if not exactly pleasant."
Glancing to Melchior, Tasha asks, "What do you think of all this, Melchior?"
"My impression is that Apollyon likens the Progenitors to an older incarnation of the JEF," the avatar says. "They are many. Many different individuals or races, which shared a goal which brought them to this star system. And their children are repeating the process."
"Also, that he perceived a danger in finding them," the AI continues. "A danger that affects one's own race or civilization, as opposed to all participating ones. This may be what Caspar was watching for. The breakup of the JEF, the crashes, mutiny and sabotage - might have been to protect the participating civilizations from destruction."
"That's an interesting take on things," Tasha remarks as she watches her AI. "It seems we may be repeating the same mistakes. I think I know what I must do." Looking back, the young woman says, "I will leave the JEF until I can acertain the truth and speak with Adam -- and Ahriman as well."
After pausing to listen to Melchior's second statement, tasha frowns gravely. "I've heard that before -- that pursuit of the Progenitors may lead to destruction. There is some evidence for it in the ruins of those space fairing nations that came here before us. Henry Canaan feared it, and our engineer had also mentioned it. Of course, this means I court disaster by pursuing Adam. Lord Yama has allowed me to proceed rather than destroy me as a protection, but I cannot rely on that alone."
Then, Tasha grins widely. "Luckily, I am unique."
"Yes," Melchior notes, nodding. "And you are innocent."
"Really?" Tasha asks, eyebrows raising. "Now there's a discriptor I never expected to hear!" She barks a laugh, then asks, "But I assume you mean it in a way different from social custom?"
"You are not a product of any of the Marked civilizations," Melchior clarifies.
"I see." But then her smile fades. "But I may have endangered Karnors and others by allowing Gabriel and my friends to walk with me. Lord Yama said nothing of them -- I may have made a grave error in allowing the Markers to be analyzed. Gabriel has yet to depart with them -- I will exit and retrieve them immediately, and turn in my resignation. More than anything, I cannot risk other lives seeking Adam."
"As you wish," Melchior says, and the empty plane gives way to the close cockpit of the Titan.
Tasha waits for the arm to retract, then pushes herself up as she hurries to the airlock. I knew there was something that bothered me in all this; it was selfish to distract myself from my mission here. I put it aside to pursue Adam. While it is in keeping with the JEF mission, I didn't think of the danger. I ddn't know, but it makes sense now. That nagging worry ... After exiting, Tasha hits the ground running, rushing past the Silent-One technicians and almost bumping in to Commanding-Hand. I made my choice. I put aside my mission here to find Adam. I must take responsibility for that choice now and follow through -- I can't allow anyone else to suffer for it. When this is all over, then I can beg for forgiveness.
The bowled over cheetahs look to each other blankly (which is how the masks make them look anyway) as the hybrid runs through. By the time Tasha makes it to the Council building, she finds Gabriel still helping Eli pack. There's a lot of equipment after all, and just leaving it behind would be reckless.
Winded, Tasha pauses outside the door to catch her breath and think on what she's going to say. No matter how many times she's gone over the conversation, it always ends in sadness. Maybe that's best, she decides. I may have to become the enemy of the JEF to prevent it from following me. I cannot allow anyone else to follow any further, even if I must stop them myself even if ... Her gaze trails to the open door, and she bites her lip. Before she enters, she wonders if she and Gabriel are always destined to say good-bye.
Pressing forward, she steps in to the room and then knocks on the wall to get the mens' attention. "Hi Gabriel, Eli ... I was wondering, are the you-know-whats here?"
"In those cases," Gabriel says, pointing to the two equipment cases in the corner. Each Marker gets its own case apparently.
Tasha wastes no time in walking towards the Markers. "I've been thinking ... I'd like to run some tests on them." She tries to steel herself, but she knows Gabriel and Eli will smell her anxiety. Her fear. She curses herself for not thinking to mask it before, but it's too late now. "And, well, that maybe the JEF shouldn't investigate this matter any further."
"You just said you want to test them though," Gabriel notes. "How can you do that and not want to investigate further? We just traveled all over Sinai to find them, after all."
Stopping before the Marker cases, Tasha lays her hand on the handles, closing her eyes with her back to her mate, and her dear friend. "There are complications," she murmurs, biting her lip after as she thinks even as her fingers wrap around the handles. "I c-cannot, in good concience, to continue to support the research. Nor ..," she pauses, drawing a deep breath in before she continues. "Nor can I allow it to continue. When I chose to pursue that path I didn't take in to full account the responsibilities it entailed. I thought I could juggle my responsibilities to the JEF and to the path, and somehow make them work. I ... I-I was wrong. There are irreconciliable conflicts."
Tasha's hands close around the Marker handles and she pulls them up, turning. Blinking rapidly, she chews on her lip a moment in distress before she adds, "And I have already made my ... my decision. I made it when I chose to pursue Adam rather than focus on the JEF and in helping this world. I always knew in my heart how selfish that was ... But I didn't understand why until today. I, I can't, in good concience, remain with the JEF. Not ... Not until I find the answer to certain question. I am taking the Markers, and Melchior, and Harmonia if she will join me, and leaving the JEF."
"No," Gabriel says, simply. "I can't let you take this on alone, Tasha. I know you: without others around you, you go crazy. And you're asking to let me leave you with a bunch of god-like AIs to pursue god-like beings? Without any other resources or, for that matter, anyone that can disagree with you, which I don't believe the AIs can."
Tasha lowers her head, ears canting back. "Please don't make this any harder than it has to be, Gabriel. I can't allow you to pursue this path any further with me. I have been entrusted to continue, and I know have a much better idea of what that responsibility means. I, like Lord Yama, must guard the path -- and I cannot allow you, any of you, to continue along side me. If you seek the path to Adam, you must find it for yourself. By allowing you to walk with me I have made a desperate error. My foolish belief I could reconcile both paths without thinking on what that truly means has shown me that I cannot have it both ways. And in pursuing the path despite my doubts and concerns, in my heart, I knew had made my decision, no matter how little I understood it then. I must now take responsibility for my choice. If you trust me, you will allow me to go. But I know you, and I know that you know me as well. Please believe this is for the best. Don't ... D-don't make me prove my resolve in this."
"I will, when I think you're ready to make the final leg of the path on your own," Gabriel says. "Despite your resolve, Tasha, do you really believe you have the resources on your own find out where you're even supposed to go, or how to get there?"
"I will find a way." Tasha shifts the Markers so that she holds both handles in her left hand. "And I will no longer allow anyone to walk with me. Nor will I permit anyone to approach Adam, save those who have walked the path and have found acceptance from its guardians. From this point on, you may also consider me one of those guardians."
"But ..," the young woman exhales, head shaking, " ... you won't believe me, will you? Or accept this ... Not that I blame you; I blame myself," she insists, laying a hand over her heart. "But I WILL take responsibility. Maybe ... I hope that some day I can explain why, and I'm sorry I can't even offer you a reason. Please believe me when I say it is better that way. And now ... Now I must show you I mean business."
"Datapad, connect to Harmonia."
The two male Karnors look to one another in confusion, as a few beeps announce the link connecting. "Harmonia connected," the device replies.
"Harmonia, I have a direct order if you chose to accept it. Please open communication with all JEF datapads save my own, with the JEF Bellerophon, and with Orpheus. Commence active deletion of all material related to the Progenitors, the Origin Markers, Adam, including any backups and material related enough to allow prior information to be pieced back together. Please try to avoid damaging any systems or other data; do not edit the PersoCom systems, but copy and then delete my PersoCom, all medical records and recordings since I acquired my implants. If the system or its administraitors resist, you are cleared any and all electronic warfare methods available to you to take control. Do no harm to the crew -- any of the crew -- nor any irrepairable harm to other systems and their related information. Please excute immediately if you accept."
After issuing the order, Tasha watches the men, her face a mask but her eyes glossy.
"And please inform them that I am sorry."
"I cannot comply, Tasha," Harmonia reports. "I do not have access to such systems, nor the ability to force my way into them. I have no control over any systems not part of myself. May I ask the reason for this command?"
Tasha grits her teeth, looking a little too much like a corned animal. "The alternative is that we must attempt to remove them by force." Her gaze shifts to Gabriel. "Please give her access."
"Tasha, that can't be done remotely, only in person," Gabriel explains.
"Will you burn the references in the Winged Citadel?" Eli asks, trying to illustrate just how far Tasha would really have to go.
Tasha exhales, running her free hand through her hair in exasperation. here eyes dart, as if she could find the solution in the room before her. At length, she shakes her head and says, "You've made your point. But know this: I am not your enemy, nor the enemy of anyone on this world, save that they give me cause to be. I will be here to help; I will answer if called, and come when needed. But I will not allow anyone to follow me, save those who have followed the path. As long as things remain as they are, nothing will change. I will pursue my own goals, and I will help you with yours. But I cannot remain here, as part of the JEF. And if I am followed, I you will face Melchior. Or Balthasar, if it comes to that."
She turns then to walk for the door, pausing in the doorway to add, "And please remember that I am sorry. If you need to know why, use that understanding of me to ask yourself why I would do this."
"Then don't choose the path over us," Gabriel asks. "Why follow it if it costs you everything else?" Oddly, Tasha can barely hear the man's words now. There's a song in her head drowning it out, one she's heard before, spread across a dream:
In the calm of the evening...
Raise your eyes to see...
Appearing and shining...
All the stars.
In their rest their hearts shine...
And their words 'the world will be ill'...
And there will be reflections in the sea...
And those who can rise to end it will be men.
In the calm of the evening...
Raise your eyes to see...
Appearing and shining...
All the stars.
Tasha begins to walk, apparently intend on not answering, only to stumble and clutch the wall, stopping in her tracks as the music fills her mind. She knows all too well, what the music means. I'm not trying to rule, she growls her mind, I just can't take the risk! Not until I know the answer ... I will not allow even a chance for them to disappear! She balls her fist, thumping the wall as she pushes off it. Is that so horrible? Even my own mind won't trust me.
When she seems to recover, she sighs, turning to look out the window as she says, "Apollyon believes that those species that seek Adam risk annhilation. I've heard it before ... we've seen the ruins ... the silence in the universe. That is why the Khattans sponsored the Expedition; they will not risk personal contact. And I ... I do not know where the the line is. Nor can I pursue Adam and be honest with the JEF mission; I may need to show bias. I have been told not to trust the Naga or the Khattans, and if I cannot trust, if that becomes necessasry, I don't belong in the JEF I created. To prevent disaster and live up to my beliefs, I have to go."
"Or you could abandon the quest and avoid any danger there might be," Gabriel offers. "But either way, is this a decision you should make so abruptly? I assume you accessed the data crystal to get this information, but why should you trust Apollyon? Or anyone else from 6000 years ago that you've never actually met?"
"But I have spoken to Lord Yama. Why did the old JEF have to die? Can you think of a reason, why Adam's guardian would take such extreme measures?" Tasha asks. She continues to watch the world move from the window in the hall, the endless hustle and bustle of the town move before her. "I think Adam loves us. It must break his heart to make us suffer ... I know ... "
"But maybe Ahriman orders Lord Yama. The answer is still the same: the path will destroy those it does not accept. We can take that scale, and see how far that goes ... " Tasha murmurs.
"Don't assume a divine hand in mortal events, Tasha," Gabriel says. "There were plenty of reasons for the Expedition to fail without ascribing to curses. There's no proof of any of this. Yama didn't tell you there were consequences, did he? And he's the only one that might actually know, if he's really what he claims to be."
"He told me he whispered in to the mind of Henry Canaan," Tasha replies. "He told me without sentiment he destroyed the Expedition, with Henry Canaan as his pawn."
"He did it, for his own reasons then," Gabriel says. "Not Adam, or Ahriman, or the Star or the Archons or anyone else. Just Yama. There's something else I think you're overlooking. Something that I think whoever put the Magi project together overlooked too, even though it was staring them in the face the whole time."
"Does it matter? How can you be so cavalier about the risks? I'm the only one than needs to be at risk. I don't know how long it will take to ascertain the dangers, or what Ahriman and Adam mean. There doesn't need to be anyone else to do this. We don't rush to hand weapons to the Council, citing that to not do so supressess their will. We avoid it because we believe their is a tremendous danger and we care enough not to be a part of something that risks lives simply to profit. There's always a line, and I think that 'potential annhilation of an entire species' is at the vrey least worth caution. I know you love me, and I love you, and I love the JEF, and this world, and everyone ... That is why I won't hand them the path without having walked it themselves." Tasha shakes her head, then looks back, watching Gabriel. "What do you think we've missed?"
Gabriel points to the case in Tasha's left hand. "That's got the Vartan Marker in it. Open it up and tell me what you see, please?"
"You mean that they're all different, and show a couple?" Tasha asks, not moving to open the case.
"If that's all you see, then you're overlooking the most important part, I think," Gabriel claims.
"Overlooking important details is all why I need to go, but let me think ... They're sided, in an apparent order, made of what may be twisted space and time, inverted stone within what may be stasis. Each Marker shows a male and female representative of the species. Do you mean that I am half-Vartan? Do you think I endanger the Vartans because of that?" Tasha asks.
"You're overthinking," Gabriel says, and then asks, "Simpler question: what are the man and woman on each of those Markers doing?"
"Holding hands," Tasha replies, frowning and canting her ears. "It makes sense they would show this, it represents the continuation of the species and the union of both forms. The originators of the Magi project were aware of this, I think; they created the Magi AI approach their pilots as a gender opposite to their own. The Magi are probably meant to be our partners."
"But there is no partner to a Karnor-Vartan," Tasha adds, frowning deeper.
"Maybe it also means you aren't supposed to go to them alone," Gabriel says. "That part of the key is the bond between bearers. Think about it: if you created a vault or similar filled with dangerous knowledge, wouldn't you want to make certain the people who find it understand love?"
"You are asking me to ignore my love of people in order to prove our love before a place that may destroy the species associated with the representatives," Tasha points out. "I also have my bond with Melchior, which is a kind of love. He and I are set upon the path; we have no true species to lose, assuming that AI are not counted as a species. We are innocent; we hold no Marker of our own, save by partial association. I don't care what Adam knows. I don't seek him for meaning. I do it because I want to know, and now, because it seems he may need someone to help him."
"If you think I'm leaving out of hate, I would be surprised. I'm leaving to protect the people I love. Surely Adam would understand that, even if Ahriman cannot -- though I would like to meet Ahriman as well," Tasha adds.
"But you're acting out of fear, Tasha, and what you're saying makes no sense," Gabriel explains. "You say you have to go alone because of the risk, even if going alone is the wrong approach, and despite the clear choice of not going at all. No matter what, if you follow the path, you risk failure. You think Adam loves us, but you act out of fear. You threatened your loved ones with force. After that, are you really certain you're ready to go on?"
"Uncertainty is always part of life. You could also argue that if I pursued the path without fear or concern, that I callously regard the safety and welfare of others," the young woman explains. "I would have no fear; in its place I would have apathy. Or ignorance. Willful ignorance, which is little different than apathy. I can no more divorce myself from fear than I can from love. They are both a part of being alive. Fear is the shadow of love."
"Are you asking me to disregard my concern for loss ..?" Tasha asks a second later, watching her mate.
"You're also basing your fear on the word of a man who may have been corrupted by Yama as Canaan was," Gabriel points out. "He would have had to have gotten to the pilots somehow. They all abandoned their mission, or were killed, though their Titans survived."
"I'm asking you to not abandon the ones that are helping you, when you still need us," Gabriel replies. "We are your family. How do you think it makes us feel to have you just cast us aside, whatever your reasons? Consider the very real consequences of your decision as it affects real people right now in this world, as opposed to possibly imaginary consequences of an unknowable threat. Focus on the real risks, Tasha."
"You may have something there. To be honest, all the uncertainty makes it hard to tell what is the true path and what is a trap laid for the unready -- or just simple fiction," Tasha admits, turning to resume looking out the window. "There really isn't much to go off at all. For all I know, Lord Yama decided I failed and has sent me to my demise, hoping I bring everyone down with me."
After pausing to listen, Tasha nods. "Don't think I'm not aware of the damage my leaving will do. The damage to you, and Eli, to everyone -- myself included. But if I continued, I would be pressing on knowing I may well be leading everyone to their deaths. And please don't mention that we all chose this path and we know the risks. We do. But there are many others who have no idea what we're doing. And they are part of this too, now. The difference is we have accepted this responsibility. They have not. We must carry the burden, and as the originator, the greatest burden should be mine."
"Then I think the decision you really need to make, Tasha, is whether seeking Adam is worth it," Gabriel says. "If these risks are real, then it makes no sense to continue. There's no need to sacrifice our trust and everything you've worked for, just for.. what? Why do you want to find Adam, exactly?"
"I want to know the truth. Not because it will guide me, or because I desire power or position. I just ... want to know the truth behind this path. And I have cause to at least suspect Adam is suffering. Ahriman is said to have tore him from his creations. It is said he lived amongst his people, but died alone. He is ... He is our creator, and knowing that, knowing he may suffer ... I can't ignore him. But, I don't want to bring everyone down with me to help him." Tasha chuckles for a moment, head tilting as she watches her reflection. "Melchior told me my mission isn't over. I want to bring comfort to my creators ... Just like I continue to long to bring comfort to another one. I was born from the longing for comfort, a prayer against the impossible. If I can make that prayer come true. I will."
"I never gave up thinking I could bring Nora back to life. I've always hoped I could find a way to revive her, as distant a dream as it may be. I still can't stand that our crew suffered. I hate that I can only do little ... But if I can just make a difference ... if I can change things ... " Tasha lifts her hand, reaching towards her reflection, straining her fingers, "I must."
"And I won't be the cause of that same suffering. That is why I cannot risk others needlessly, and only save by their own will. Even then, I will try to help them," Tasha concludes.
"Then I propose a compromise: wait until you have all of the information you can gather," Gabriel says. "There is no rush, after all. It's been at least a million years already. Find out what the Kampfengruppe think they know. Maybe even the Titanians have something to add. Spend some time with your family before you have to go. When the time comes, you'll be the only one to take the final step of the path, but only if you're certain of it. Right now, you don't know anything for certain."
Tasha lowers her head, ears flicking as she thinks carefully on the proposal. After a few minutes, she looks up again.
And then she lets go of the Origin Marker of Naga's case, the soft thump of the case like a thunderclap, breaking the weighty silence.
"Very well. I think I'm tired now ... I'm going to have a drink for a while. I'll leave this Marker with the Melchior, and think more on what it means. I think I may have another lead. But ... Later."
"You thought the Marker might open up some hidden data in Melchior," Gabriel reminds her. "But.. best to rest up before trying to find out."
"Yes, that's right. A break first," Tasha murmurs before she turns and begins slowly walking down the hallway. "I'm sorry Gabriel. I'll see you later ... But not now. I don't think I can right now. I'm sorry for that, too."
"Well, I guess I won't need to return to Tartarus just yet then, at least?" Eli asks Gabriel, who just shakes his head.
As Tasha walks, she can't help but think about Nora, who's will to see the man she loved again was so strong that it persisted even beyond death. And she, Nora's answer to that longing, having hurt that very man in order to protect him.
As the long hall of seemingly endless rows of doors drift by her, she can't help but wonder at herself. The long walkway with its endless doors reminds her a little too much of life, with so many paths offering little more than a subtle difference, yet containing so much variation beyond. And there in the middile she walks ever forward, feeling like a ghost, herself.