The track has been closed down for the photo shoot. Instead of a field full of various vehicles, it's just Katie's Comet, lots of mirrors for directing the sunlight and several different camera setups - including what looks like a movie camera. A tent behind the cameras serves as a dressing-room and make-up station.
Katie is stretched out on top of her long bike, her shiny jumpsuit scandalously unzipped down past her collarbone. An assistant holds a small, powerful fan up out of the shot, to try and get Katie's hair to blow just so for the photographer.
Off to the side, Tasha is wearing what for her constitutes lightly-armored underwear. Unlike the skin-tight silver jumpsuit that Katie wears, Tasha's tends to squash any underlying features beneath the individual hexagonal scales. A wardrobe assistant is holding up various shaded glasses, looking for a pair that matches well with the hybrid's fur color, while a second one applies polish to her suit to make it even shinier.
Prior to coming her, Tasha had been in a morose state from her talk with the Confederate representative during the parade event. The discussion about how to change the world lead to one dead end after another, making her all the more aware of her growing anxiety over her purpose in life. By the time she found herself sitting her and being prepped for the photo shoot, she had decided that the older Eeee was right.
The world doesn't need me to try and change it, she decides as pairs of glasses are held up to her face. It's existed far longer than I have, and just because I can change it doesn't mean I should. I've just let the possibilities overwhelm me; I've let the power go to my head as the responsibility of using it or not made me too aware of how I should use it. Gabriel was right -- I don't need to do anything big for life to work out. If my way is better, society will gravitate towards it of their own volition.
Gabriel. Tasha almost sighs as she thinks about her mate, but quickly remembers where she is and that she's being watched closely. In trying to stay away from her life, she's realized just how keenly pushing him away hurts. If anything, she's realized it's made him miss him more than ever. I should really talk to him and tell him what happened, she thinks, nodding slightly to herself. I will. Later. Right now .., her eyes glance towards the posing Katie, I should focus on what's infront of me.
"You can ride a motorcycle, right?" the polisher asks, the human girl looking up at Tasha, spray bottle in one hand and shammy in the other. She doesn't look very comfortable with her task.
"Yes," Tasha replies, looking down. She can't help but laugh a little inside, finding the whole situation both awkward and amusing. "I'm sorry of this is uncomfortable for you. For what it's worth, I'm feeling out of my element too."
"What is your element then?" the girl asks. The second assistant has a pair of square framed dark glasses with gold rims and arms, and is holding it that it appears to be Tasha's face from her perspective.
"Exploration and piloting mostly, but you could says 'moving things' and I couldn't deny it," the hybrid woman answers. She then cocks her head to the side and asks, "Is it becaue I'm half-Vartan? I'd have figured things like this would be normal for people who work with Katie."
"Uh, no ma'am, it's just.. I usually polish the bike," the girl admits, then gestures to Tasha's armor. "It doesn't.. have soft parts under it.. you know?"
"Oh, those. Yes, I can see how this would be uncomfortable. Very uncomfortable. I'd ask them to let you stop, but I feel like I'd just be interfering in something I don't really understand. And besids, the fancy wolf over there is a bit intimidating," Tasha admits, nodding her head towards 'Mr. Invention,' who looms in the wings. "We'll just play along and forget about it after, okay?"
"Okay," the girl notes. "At least I don't have to use the buffer." As she goes back to work, the glasses one holds up a pair of gold half-rimmed sunglasses. They look like they belong on either an older person or else someone so 'hip' that they can get away with sunglasses that only work if the sun is on the ground for some reason.
While Tasha owns a few pair of glasses and goggles, they're primarily for blocking various wavelengths of laser, anti-glare, and for a host of other utility purposes and not for the purpose of fashion -- something that could be said of most of her wardrobe. High fashion was something of a distant shore for Tasha, always there, far off and hazy, not somewhere she ever had a reason to be. Until now, that is.
And she's nto quite sure what to make of it.
A part of her really enjoys feeling knee-deep in the height of Abaddonian culture and trending, while the practical part of her keeps second guessing her enjoyment. Both sides of her can agree, though, that she's very much out of her element. Easier to just nod and go along, she decides, feeling this must be how Katie handles things, too.
At the glasses, Tasha raises a brow. "Do those really look good on me?" She asks, tenatively. It strikes her she has very little idea what does. Adventure hasn't prepared her for the urban jungle, that much she's sure of.
"Well.." the assistant starts, then shrugs. "Really, it only matters if Katie is going to wear her glasses. Is she doesn't, then you don't need a pair either. I mean.. do you want to appear strong or sexy or intimidating or anything?"
"I don't know," Tasha admits, ears canting back. "I guess I never really thought about it before? I suppose strong is best, since I'm usually in the field, piloting my Titan or involved in politics. I mean, I've been trying to avoid using my looks and instead hoping to show my character through action."
"So.. strong and shiny," the girl notes, and puts away the glasses. "You'll want to show your eyes. Be looking upwards or straight into the camera, arms crossed or at your hips, tail high. Tail up is important."
"That's right, isn't it?" Tasha grins a bit self-conciously. "I should be embarassed I need Karnor tutoring from a Human. Thank you, though."
"It's all down to psych theory made up thousands of years ago," the girl notes, suggesting she's more than just a prop girl. "Very important for book covers and movie posters. Like how you never show the hero with his sword or gun lowered towards the ground: implies impotence. For Karnors, you want the tail up, not showing submissiveness."
"I.. don't know what the standards are for Vartans though," the girl admits, eying Tasha's wings. "It can't all come down to just being shiny right?"
"I'll keep that in mind, I'd never thought of how I should appear short of trying to dress well and not rely on my looks, but if what you say is true, it's possible to convince people against me if I'm not concious of how I appear, which is counter-productive. I hadn't considered that, even if I had been aware that I should avoid certain approaches,"n Tasha relates. She then smiles, and replies, "Well, shininess is not to be underestimated, but no it's not all of it. I mean, we do notice other features people have, we just tend to be draw to the shininess first. You could say it's about first impression."
"Is there anyone else in your organization that looks.. inspiring?" the girl asks.
"Well, our leader is very handsome and inspiring. He's an older man, but I think that just adds to his alure. Let me show you," the hybrid woman answers before digging out her datapad and brining up a picture of a black-and-grey Karnor man in his fourties. He's looking serious, standing beside Tasha and several others Karnor as well as one Lapi in what appears to be a stylized garden. Appropriately enough, they're each holding melons. the image seems to be a copy of another photograph. Tasha points the man out with a finger. "Gabriel Akkers."
"Do you have the original photo?" the girl asks, once she determines that it's not in the tablet, somehow. "Otherwise one of our artists might need to borrow this."
"I don't have it with me, but I can get one in a few weeks if that help," Tasha offers. She thinks a moment, then adds, "I have others stored in this datapad and can probably render if you have an electronic copy machine, though I'll need an hour or two to work out the translation software."
"Or we could take a photo of it," the girl suggests, and gestures to all of the cameras.
Tasha grins at that. "That works, too," she admits. Then, she winks. "I'm surrounded by technology, but I haven't really sorted out how best to use it or what all is available between the different factions."
"The graphic artist will know what to do," the girl claims. The polisher finally finishes as well, stepping back and nodding. Then the fan explodes. Or.. overheats anyway, and starts spitting smoke and sparks.
Tasha grimces, eyes draw to the shower of glittery sparks. "Speaking of problems with technology! Will that be a problem for the shoot?"
The chief photographer calls, "That enough wind shots. Time for the action ones."
"I hate wearing the helmet," Katie complains.
"Then don't, we will start with stills, so you will be going slow anyway," comes reply.
"I can sympathize," Tasha asides to her aides. "My powered armor helmet always makes my hair look funny.She watches the exhange a moment and adds, "Katie's so elegant. I feel crude being here with her, you know?"
"This will be dusty," Tasha's attendant warns. "Let's head for the tent. As for elegant.. uh, I wouldn't know. I always thought was just a word used for Archons."
"The Archons are pretty elegant, aren't they? Especially their masks. I wonder if the Silent-Ones would appreciate if I had shots done with my mask on?" Tasha inquires as she stands up and begins moving towards the tent.
"Do you do a lot of work with them?" the girl asks, as she and the polisher gather their things and usher Tasha towards the dust-free area.
Tasha hurries along, not wanting to ruin the polishing effort. "Sometimes. Mostly with PHTO council politics and Pit of Himaar defense along side the other Titan pilots," the red woman explains.
"I'd love to see the Pit someday," the girl admits, once they're safely in the tent. "I mean, we got a good mix here, but.. it can get weird sometimes.."
"You mean the thing with that crazy cult?" the polisher asks, and shivers.
Thinking of the Pit reminds her of her plans with Balthasar, AKA the Seraph Titan. The memory puts a frown on the hybrid's face; soon, she'll need to step back in that cockpit, and towards what that may bring. It makes her want to push her duties out of her mind again, but she soon decides it's no use. She'll have to face them eventually, and all running away has done is made her life more complicated.
At least I can try and enjoy what's infront of me, even if I'm not using it to forget what's coming, she thinks. Just as she returns her attention to the conversation around her, "crazy cult" stands out in her mind, piquing her interest. ""Crazy cult?""
"It's just an urban legend," glasses-girl claims. "See, the Terrans were the First Contact for the Silent-Ones, and there's supposedly this cult within their ranks that secretly worships humans by.. and this is the unbelievable part.. wearing their faces. Instead of their own masks, they steal human faces and like.. preserve them or turn them to leather or whatever, so that god will think they're humans and let them into Heaven or something. There's no way it's true."
"That's ... A very disturbing thought," Tasha admits, canting her ears back again. "I mean, I can see the reasoning in abstract, but in practice is seems frighteningly absurd. Although ..," the read woman pauses as she thinks back to Fallen-Star and her dying wish to ascend to the Human heaven, having given her life to repair the sabotauge her superior ordered of her, "I can see some going to those lengths, if they were desperate. The history of the space fairing nations is full of deaths over disagreements in religious thought, too."
"But people go missing all the time," Polisher claims.
"That's not because of a cult, and it's not just humans, and we live in a desert full of monsters," Glasses points out. "Frankly, I bet there's just one student out there that collects drunks and keeps them in her dorm room or something."
A second later, Tasha asks, "What's the name of this cult, anyway?"
"Uh.." Both humans look to one another and shrug. "Just.. the face-stealing cult, I guess. It's not real, so.. why give it a name? It's just one of those stories that shows up whenever there's a war."
Tasha barks a laugh at the idea of a drunk-collecting college student, making her think of Hakeber. Remembering Hakeber makes her go sober quickly, however. Another person I've probably let down, she decides. Pressing on, she asks, "Out of curiosity, does the word "Neith" ever crop up in the stories?"
"You mean poetically?" Glasses asks. "As in: 'neath the sandy dunes sleeps the fate of fortune.."
"That is a terrible poem," Polish notes.
"It was just to be illustrative, not serious!" Glasses claims.
Tasha snorts a laugh, finding the wto's antics a good distraction from worries. "No Neith, Knee-th," she corrects, grinning.
"Uh.. not sure," Glasses admits. "What's it mean?"
"Oh, just an old religious term. I thought there might be a connection, that's all," Tasha explains.
"I'm also a researcher," the hybrid adds, to help explain things. "I study certain pre-Expedition religions as part of our overall investigation in to our past."
"Oh, for that you want.. uh.. that professor.." Glasses says, her eyes narrowing and lower lip sticking out in thought. It's really amazing what humans can do with those flat faces.
Tasha puzzles at the woman's expression, asking, "It's not Hakeber, is it?"
"Doctor Cvinth," Polish sneezes. "The Chair of Comparative Religious Studies at T.U."
"I see," Tasha says, looking contemplative. "Is he here in the city, then?"
"Oh yeah, since.. this is where the Templar University is, and all," Glasses notes. "I think he's pretty old too."
"I thought the doctor was female?" Polish asks.
Glasses looks uncertain. "If I say that all Eeee look and sound alike to me, will you think I'm a racist?" she asks.
"Oh right, the Templar University," Tasha admits. "It shouldn't be hard for me to find him or her, as I'm currently staying at the University."
"Really? What's your major?" Glasses asks, cheering back up. "Is it Ancient Tech? I bet it's Ancient Tech."
Tasha chcukles, head shaking. "Well, I don't really have a Major," she admits. "I've thought about attending the college, but that might be a conflict of interest for them, as I'm a member of a seperate organization and I don't know if they accept non-Templars. I am very interested in ancient technology, though!"
"There are those Titanians studying there," Polish says, in a low hush-hush sort of voice. "I don't know if they're going to apply to become Templars though. That would be.. something.. all right."
"I don't know," Tasha starts, lowering her voice as well because that's what you do. "Titanians demonstrate a consider knack for technology that could be of benefit to anyone as long as you don't mind the, um, oddities."
"Like them killing us all in our sleep and taking our stuff?" Glasses asks, eyes wide. "They're raiders and pirates and hit stuff with hammers all the time! And they're bigger than everyone else, and I hear they eat their prisoners.."
Tasha's easr go askew, a frown crossing her face. "I don't know about that. The pirates I met seemed pleasant enough; I spent several days working along side one of their number, and he was a great help. I've heard they can be dangerous, but I've never seen it for myself. But that's true of all of us, isn't it?"
"Humans aren't dangerous at all," Polish claims. "We don't have claws or big teeth or anything like that."
"Just guns and bombs and knives and swords and probably missiles," Glasses adds.
"What about the Kampfengruppe?" Tasha asks, interestd in what other humans think of the human supremacy group.
"Oh yeah, I try not to think about them," Glasses claims. "They're scary, but only their ideas are dangerous. They've always been.. desperate before though. Now they've got power, sort of, and wealth. And an army."
"I don't like some of their politics, but I can't really say I'm against working with them, if it came down to that," Tasha admits, glancing between the two. "Have they been increasing their military strength with the influx of wealth from the Gateway?"
"There's a mob of them at the edge of the city," Polish notes. "Well, not real Kampfzengruppe but their mercenaries. They've got Khattas and a rabbit-man with them, even. I thought rabbit people would be all cuddly and stuff, but that one is really skeevey looking. I think they might have a giant rat too."
"Interesting. I've met some of their mercenaries, and they do seem to take all comers. It reminds me a bit of home," the hybrid admits. She casts a glance outside the tent to see how the shoot is progressing, and to see what she may be in for.
"You're from Sinai.. I forgot about that," Glasses notes.
A peek though the flaps shows.. lot of dust. The Comet is rounding the track at a leisurely pace - just enough to get Katie's tail fluttering, really.
"That's right," Tasha says with a nod as she looks back. "Abaddon was a real culture shock, but I'm settling in finally. This is my home, now."
"Don't you live on a spaceship?" Polish asks.
"I hadn't realized that was well-known. News travels fast here, I guess? But you're right, I technically live on a spacecraft. It's just, I travel a lot, and Abaddon is the world where technology is most reliable, so we're usually traveling from city to city and staying in PHTO-provided suites more than we're berthed on the ship," Tasha explains.
"It's also wasteful to keep the ship in the air when we're not on a mission," the red woman adds.
"When you work with Katie, you learn these things," Glasses notes. "And Mr. Invention keeps dossiers on anyone Katie might be interested in, I suspect."
Tasha's ears sort of.. twitch. "Interested in?" She fishes, uneasily.
"Celebrities, military types.. you know," Glasses notes. "You can't be too careful or let just anyone have access to Katie after all. Although I think she still personally reads all of her fan mail."
"I didn't realize Katie was that famous. I mean, I saw the fans when I first met her, but I haven't seen how she fits in to life here as a whole," Tasha admits. She glances out the tent exit, adding, "We only met yesterday, actually."
"Yeah, but you were in the newspaper, and.. well, you're one of Katie's idols obviously," Glasses notes. "She's really into spaceships and Titans and stuff, if you hadn't guessed."
"Oh I figured that out-" Tasha almost adds, "last night," but quickly decides against it. "I mean, I learned that when I first met her. It was, um, kind of funny really, because I was really nervous and I look up to Katie, so we were both feeling the same things even though neither of us realized it. I mean, Katie's from another world, practically. When I walked through the hall to her place, I was really feeling out of place."
"So.. how did you meet her at all, if you didn't know who she was?" Glasses asks.
"Here, actually," Tasha explans, gesturing to the surrounding race track. "My friend at the College brought me here to try and help me relax and that's when I saw her facing. I noticed her bike looks a bit like a Vartan, and Katie being Karnor, the combination caught my attention. I thought that she might be like me at first, though of course I saw that she wasn't later. Still, she seemed fascinating; she had a position of excitement and regard, loved by her fans. I'd never met anyone like her before, so I decided I had to see her up close. We worked our way to where she was exiting to her vehicle where I used my datapad to get a video of her and she must have seen me in return, because later I recieved a personal invitation to dine with her."
"Wow, that's.. wow," Glasses notes. "I assumed your PR guy contacted Mr. Invention..."
"There you are!" Katie calls out as she strides into the tent. "I need your butt, Tasha! Come sit on the bike for me!"
"I ... I don't actually hae a 'PR guy,' or, well, anyone like that really," the hybrid woman admits. "I just decided I wanted to see her and-" The call comes and Tasha's ears shoot up, swiveling to lock in on Katie's voice as she begins standing. "Speaking of which, I'd better get going. It was nice meeting you two!"
"You look great!" Katie tells Tasha as she quickly escorts her over to the bike. Since it hasn't raced it's engine hasn't been ruined yet, apparently. "Tell me.. and be honest.. does it look too suggestive when I'm riding this thing?" the model asks.
Tasha nearly trips over herself at the question. She staggers to her feet, eyes wide and ears a little too attentive. "Oh, I d-don't know about that," she replies in a stammer as they walk towards the machine. "I mean, sure it's kind of, well, that shaped but most motorcycles are like that, and well, it's sleek and sexy, and you're sleek and sexy, so, I mean, is it the bike making you look suggestive, or your beauty making the bike seem suggestive?"
"You'll help me figure it out!" Katie claims, as they get to the bike. "So, could you just.. get on it? I can never tell from the photographs if I really look sexy or not. So if I see you doing it I'll be able to tell."
"Am I really that sexy?" Tasha asks uncertainly as she steps forward, then swings one hoofed leg over the seat, settling atop the bike. It's here she becomes not only intensely self-concious as everyone is watching and comparing her to the model, but also that she's now astride Katie's prized possession and thus responsible for it. "How is this?"
"Is that how I do it?" Katie asks. "That doesn't seem bad. Do you want to take it around the track?"
"Is that okay? I'd feel terrible if I damaged it," Tasha admits. She then quickly adds, "If I do, I'll find some way to repair it. I might even be able to figure out how to improve it while riding," creating a peculiar dissonance of excited interested and worry.
"We could wash it together! I bet people would want to watch that," Katie notes.
"That sounds safer," Tasha agrees, at least until she remembers all the viewers the last time she washed a vehicle, then she just smiles a a particularly forced kind of way.
Katie goes over the controls. Since the bike is electric, there are no gears or shifting - just a voltage regulator where a handle-throttle would normally be, along with a temperature gauge and charge meter. "You have to be careful when accelerating," she explains. "Both wheels are powered and they have ridiculous torque, so ease up slowly - you want to try to keep the output between 40 and 75 volts, anything over that and stuff starts to melt. And the voltage will jump around even though your speedo says you're cruising."
The hybrid woman nods at the instructions. At least it's simple, she thinks, relived. Between her anxiety around Katie and the feeling she's being watched, the fewer distractions the better.
"Hmm, maybe something in regulating all those spikes and improving heat tolerance," Tasha murmurs a second later as she thinks on the machine, trying to focus on driving. "Watch torque, power fluctuates, accelerate slowly. Did I miss anything?"
"That should do it," Katie says, smiling. "Everything has to be managed by the driver for competition's sake."
"I like that," Tasha says, looking up at Katie and smiling more naturally. "It's a lot like old Titan combat, really. Will you root for me to win, pretty lady?"
"Of course!" Katie says, and then takes off the glittery neckerchief she was wearing and ties it around Tasha's bicep. "See? Here's my favor. Sweep the field for me, valiant knight!"
Tasha snaps off a salute, then she's off! Even prepared for it, Tthe acceleration is rough, putting a bit of G-pressure, and no small amount of terror, to the woman until she manages to ease in to things. After about two hundred feet she's cruising steadily, eyes flicking between the gazes and the track. This is relaxing, she realizes she things settle down. As she leans in to the turn, wings shifting and extending to act as counterweights, she thinks that if she hadn't been talking to them for the last hour, she might easily drift in to feeling she's alone. It reminds her a lot of Melchior.
Of course, on a bike she's exposed to the wind and can really feel the speed.. especially less than three feet above the ground. Which isn't all that level and has criss-crossing shallow ruts from the heavier racers. At the same time, it's not as challenging as Nora's bike-race-obstacle-course either, since the track is oval and there's no need to turn.
Tasha can only imagine how many varied types of vehicles the track has seen, not to mention the spills. It's a little hard for her to believe she's actually down on the track and riding Katie's bike, having first seen the rider and her vehicles only yesterday. Times change so quickly, and me with them. I'll have to tell Gabriel about Katie soon, and Katie about Gabriel, I just hope it doesn't hurt them both. Am I really the person that should step in to the Hall of Souls? The somber thought feels oddly calming as the wind whips through her hair and she pulls in to another turn. The wild, dangerous movement of the bike seems emminently appropriate to thoughts about the future of ler life, which oftens feels as fast and as risky -- and just as likely to hurt both observer and participant. Then again, who is the perfect person? A devout? What is perfection? What if they are like us? The poetry seems to want me to avoid using power for control, and Yama liked that I pursued this for my self. In that sense, maybe I still have a chance. But first ... Gabriel. She decides to find a spot off alone later, and contact him.
The charge meter begins to drop (and it's not a steady drop, but in odd jumps that sometimes go up instead of down. The pit crew is also starting to wave Tasha in.
The flagging meter pulls Tasha from her thoughts, bringing her surroundings back in to focus as she moves to guide the vehicle back to its crew.
Several seconds later she's pulling off the track, rapidly slowing. "How was that?" She asks as the bike comes to a halt.
"Pretty good!" Katie says. "You looked really shiny, and the wings go so well with the cowling.."
Tasha's tail wags against the seat. "Well, that's good at least! I really enjoyed the ride," she enthuses as she eases the kickstad down, then dismounts.
"It's going to take awhile for the pictures and film to be developed," Katie notes. "I'm told you've got something for our poster guy to work with?"
"I have a few photographs and pictures of the rest of our members in our datapad," Tasha replies as she stands up and stretches, putting her hands against her spine as she bends back. "The photography guy wants to copy them. Is that alright?"
"Sure, I'll do whatever I can to help you if you want to do some JEF posters!" Katie says. "I did recruitment posters too, after all."
"That would be very helpful! Someone as popular as you are could really help boost recruitment," Tasha agrees. She stands there, smiling a moment, but her smile soon begins to fade and she adds, "Um, we should ... talk about the others, actually. Later, when we're alone, okay?"
"The others?" Katie asks, then perks up. "Are you going to introduce me to them?"
"Welllll, probably, if ... things go, um, well." She glances around to see if anyone is listening in, then says, "It's really something we should discuss in private."
"Oh, like just you and me private?" Katie asks. "Because I thought we could get massages next. I know these guys that are really good.."
"A massage sounds nice, but we really should talk in private," Tasha insists.
"Okay, afterwards then?" Katie asks.
The hybrid woman nods. "That sounds good. I'm sorry for being so covert about this, but it's a problem I'm having and it could complicate things." She then tilts her head and asks, "How much more do we need to do here?"
"They're pretty much done," Katie notes, as the crew is packing up the mirrors and tripod and tent.
"Oh, good ... Um, good," Tasha remarks as she looks around, tapping her pointer fingers together.
"I liked your bike," she adds.
"You don't think it makes my butt look big?" Katie asks, as she leads Tasha back towards the central ramp the goes to the underground garage and other facilities.
"I like your butt," Tasha remarks before she can quite stop herself. At least I'm honest, she decides in exhasperation at herself as she follows along. "I feel really plain next to you, to be honest."
"Tasha, you've got wings and a spacesuit," Katie points out. "You've been to other planets! Probably ridden on the backs of giant monsters wearing a brass bikini! Well, maybe not that, but it make a really neat book cover. You should write a book, by the way. I think I did once.."
"It was a leather skirted chestplate, actually," Tasha admits, chuckling. "I've never thought of writing a book, I only learned to write this year." She glances over at the woman, watching her for a long moment befroe admitting, "You know what? I like feeling ordinary next to you. The truth is, it wasn't just your fame, or your beauty, even the culture you exude, it was ... That for once in a long while, I felt like I was beneath someone else. It was easy for me to fall in behind you, and for once feel like I was the one aspiring to someone above me. I could lose myself in your crowd, and feel like a normal person once more. That's not the only reason, but it was a big one. With you, I get to feel normal. Sometimes it feels like fi I make a mistake the whoel world will crumble, maybe more, but here with you I just feel like ... Katie's friend. I think I envy how much people love you for what you do, too."