It isn't easy to think in flat space. It's a realm where the universe feels thin, inhabited by exotic matter and dark worlds flung from the galaxy through celestial violence - or in some cases by design. More than a regular vacuum, this one seems to pull at the mind, trying to make it thin and flat as well. The mental response to this is to turn inward, often with unwelcome results.
"We need a masseuse," Hakeber tells Tasha. "But then again, I don't want to be too relaxed. That seems like a trap."
Tasha's relocated with Hakeber to the lounge, lacking for any immediate plans, and to permit time to digest and thought. Samael's insight in to the nature of the Shadow, her own capacity to manipulate it, and what it and reality means is something she'll be processing for some time to come. She sideways in one of the booths, Hakeber held beside her. "We need someone who specializes in mentality and another for morale. A Morale Officer, someone strong, and medical personnel with an open mind to what we deal with -- and the ability to accept that we must manipulate things at the fringes of sanity and beyond."
"You know, I never asked if Yue studied psychology," Hakeber admits. "She kept me together when I was sure I was going to fall apart, but all I really remember is a soothing tone of voice. Like.. maybe it's something built in to Karnors: a tone of voice in humans. Like how everyone went sort of weird around Gabriel and the rest of the First Gens on Caltrop before we knew to neutralize their pheremones."
"Karnors and the other TerraGens uplifts were designed, bred, and raised to value Humans; modern Karnors can't even harm Humans as far as I know. I remember stories about the earliest days of Karnor development, and they were very harsh about their grading system. So what I mean is, I think you're right." The memory of the grading system makes Tasha miss Mariel, but on the same vein, makes her doubly glad she remained behind, for her own safety and sanity. "But Humans don't work for Humans, or beings like me. We might be able to bolster the Vartans by having more Vartans. A strong, older Vartan presence would help immensely. Someone like Captain Frane."
Hakeber has to think about that for a moment. "So.. Captain Frane is comforting to Vartans?" she eventually asks. "I've only met him a few times, and I think he could make a person sterile if he glared at them hard enough. Bread goes stale in his presence, beer goes flat, decorative plants burst into flame.. at least, that's my impression."
"But he makes you shape up, he pushes you to be a stronger person and to not rely on bad choices and personal weaknesses. And he's Vartan, so other Vartans will take comfort from his stability and leadership," Tasha explains, raising a hand as she explains. "Vartans respond well to strong patriarchal and matriarchal figures, we -- well, they I suppose -- draw strength from family and belonging, so if the head of the 'family' is strong, so are they. The except are outsiders. We're all outsiders. We need a stronger 'outsider family' that meets Vartan needs."
"What about Colonel Rapatia?" Hakeber asks. "I forget if she was Age or Treachery in your nicknaming. And have you asked Lacci which authority figure she most respects on the Dark Horse?"
"She's, um, Age," Tasha admits, and would look guilty if Hakeber could see her face from her position. "She's more laid back, but I feel like she could definitely do a Frane if she felt the need to. I don't think she made Colonel by special favors and back room deals." It makes her grin a little; she wonders what Rapatia would have been like as a younger woman. "And I haven't. To be very honest Hake, I don't know how to handle Lacci. We're opposite? And she clearly rejects a lot that I am even if she respects me. Her culture and upbringing reject me. I wonder sometimes if I made a mistake with her. At least she's proven to be more resilient than I expected."
"Those are the reasons why she's needed," Hakeber claims. "I mean, who else is there that is the opposite of you? You need to get her advice more. My opposite is Shojo, I think. Let's see.. Katie's opposite. She's tougher. Jonas? I was gonna with Aaron at first, but I'm not sure. Katie isn't exactly a mentor type, but she's more expressive and readable, while Jonas is just.. I don't know much at all about Jonas."
"Jonas is a man trying to stay unnoticed, which in itself speaks a lot about him. Had I not been so busy I might have heard the words better, but I had always suspected he needed to leave Caltrop quickly and desperately, as who else would have signed up with a Titanian-delivered unknown vessel except pirates, spies, and the desperate?" Tasha grins a little and nudges Hakeber. "We're a little disconcerting to Galactic society, or we were until we gained a respectable veil. I'll see about recruiting Rapatia. As for Lacci ... I'll see about that too. I'm the Will, I can't avoid good advice because I don't get along with the speaker."
"As for Jonas ... I think his story will reveal itself to us in good time. He's admitted fear of ARM -- Amalgamated Regional Militia. Basically TerraGens Special Police, and warned me about them as well, which I take as a measure of his trust in us. And it's good advice. The more we go about our business, the more the Galactics may take notice. And they bite what makes them nervous. We must both be careful to conceal our connections," Tasha goes on to explain.
"So, we've got someone from both ends," Hakeber says. "Jonas is Yue's opposite then, in that sense. I think Gabriel's opposite might be Samael. Or possibly Liza, in certain ways."
"Thoth is Samael's opposite. They're figurative and literally light and dark," Tasha explains, then reaches over and rubs Hakeber's ears up for some reason. The young woman then gets a hug, and Tasha's tail curls around her leg before she snuggles in and rests her head. "But they're not as opposite as they seem, either. Liza and Gabriel both have a sense of duty and and respect for performing that duty well. They're neat, and organized. Gabriel's opposite is ... I think we should be glad Gabriel doesn't have an opposite. Someone like that would be dangerous and unfriendly."
"Ah, but he and Liza aren't alike," Hakeber claims and tries to catch Tasha's tail. "Gabriel is a leader, but second-guesses himself. So he decides things based on what you want if he's having doubts. He's way more patient than he should be, I think. Liza doesn't lead, but she is very certain of her decisions. She pushes others forward, mostly you."
"And she won't have sex with me, despite all my charm and flirting," Hakeber notes.
Tasha's tail is surprisingly nimble; it's certainly unlike any Karnor or Vartan tail, save in appearance alone. From its movements, Hakeber can discriminate it is prehensile, Tasha can feel even the fur being gently touched, and while it's not as strong as Hakeber's hand it has some force to it. What it does not have is anywhere to go, so eventually it's caught. "Patience is definitely Gabriel's strength. I agree about his indecisiveness. Those are both from his bad experiences, both from Humans and from what happened to the Fenris. But, it's also what allowed us become close, because we both have a lot of problems the other fills a need for. Persephone did warn me maybe we rely on that too much -- that we might lost without the other to prop us up." The woman frowns, thinks on that, and absently adds, "Liza won't sleep with me, either."
"I guess that means I win the bunny contest," Hakeber says, and nibbles on the tip of Tasha's tail while she has it. "I just didn't get a soft bunny."
"They're a difficult species as a whole," Tasha agrees, nodding slowly up until she twitches at the nibbling. "And I'll have to fill the gap both are leaving, when they do leave. Which will be soon, I fear. I'll need a new personal assistant or two."
"One for regular stuff and one for secret stuff?" Hakeber asks. "I wonder if you can get a robot. I bet the Khattans make them."
"Oh Katie would be so jealous," Tasha notes, eyes widening. A jealous Katherine Vesuvius is either very dangerous or very exciting, quite possibly both in a way that in itself is dangerous and exciting. "Like a ... person? An android? Or gynoid? Or something like a ... a drone? A hoverbot? Maybe something that looks like an animal?"
"The only robots I've ever seen are picture of old canal-exploring machines," Hakeber claims. "Not cute. Maybe one of the Jotoki could be your assistant?"
"I think it requires a strong grasp of a great many factors, cultures, and resources. Basically, know what I don't have time to know. The Jotoki are even more naive about things than I am, which means I'd be teaching them." The red woman shakes her head. "No, I need someone or something that has a mind for all these things. An AI would be ideal, or an expert."
"So another spy, pretty much?" Hakeber asks. "Or another scholar. But I'm your scholar about the important stuff, like cults and monsters! You can't replace me, that's a rule."
Hakeber gets another hug. "No Hake, I can't replace you. I see that now." Tasha holds on for a long moment, then licks Hakeber's cheek. "Because I love you and I want you to be here, and safe. More safe than here though; if things are ever too much for you, I won't be mad if you need to go. And that's true for everyone." She's quiet for a moment, then says, "Lets talk about Miss Bear a little more. Hake, is something bothering you? Not the usual or the obvious. Something older, something from before we met. Some of the others have said something is eating at you, but they don't know what."
"Ugh, that obvious?" Hakeber says, releasing Tasha's tail stare at one of the soft-lighting areas of the ceiling. "Rebekah is eating at me. Ever since we came to this region. She's my 'void demon' as Sam would say."
Tasha sits up at this new piece of information, then reaches down and pulls Hakeber up in to her lap. She leans around and looks Hakeber in the eye. "Rebekah? Someone from Abaddon, then? A lover? I could see how that would be difficult on Abaddon."
Hakeber blinks at this, and snorts as she tries to hide a laugh. "Oh.. no. Rebekah and I did not get along you see. Growing up, I was the girl in the mirror, but now she is. She's who I was before joining the Templars."
Tasha's brows arch. "And that's bad?" She fishes, searching Hakeber's face for some reaction. "Was she a friend? A rival? Family?"
"Me, Tasha," Hakeber says. "I turned my name backwards when I became a Templar. Because I absolutely had to stop being Rebekah."
Tasha leans back at the revelation. It's so obvious in hindsight, but then she'd been trying hard not to pry in to Hakeber's life before becoming a Templar. Templar conduct and rules specifically state that upon joining, all ties to a member's old life must be severed. It is, after all, why so many members change their names, to get a fresh start and separate from -- of unpleasant -- previous lives. "Well, you did, didn't you? Didn't you become what you wanted? Should I even ask why you wanted to not be who you were before?"
"Well, maybe talking about it will.. weaken it, maybe," Hakeber says. "See, I always liked history, and always hated dresses. When I was little, my mother dressed me up like a doll. I don't think I ever got to pick my own clothes. I honestly didn't know that was an option. My older brother was the only one who really played with me. My dad was an Expedition Historian - which means he worked for the military, not for the public school system. I loved my dad. I wanted to be just like him, and loved reading about history. Then my brother went to the military academy, and when he come home to visit he was always very.. careful around me."
Tasha decides this story isn't a story for cuddling and teasing, and so puts Hakeber down, stands up, walks around the table, and sits across from her. She punches in an order on the tabletop, starting up the auto-mixer, a feature she hasn't mentioned to avoid its abuse. Revealing it now will be a sign of encouragement, she hopes. "Like a doll," she muses, trying to picture it. Tasha herself grew up in rough-spun hand-me-downs and without a father, yet surrounded by acquaintances that often filled the role, "I still have trouble understanding Abaddonian society. I may not understand, but I'll listen. He was guarded? Sometimes Katie acts that way, like when I was Human."
"It was.." Hakeber starts to say, and then pauses. "My father wrote history textbooks for the schools. I read them at home because my school didn't teach that to girls. I wasn't being defiant or anything, my parents were fine with it. When the new edition came out, there's a little dedication to 'My little scholar, Becky' in it. I felt eleven feet tall, and showed it to my brother when he came home and just had this sad smile. Later on, he took me aside and explained that.. that it was mostly made up. Civilians weren't allowed to know the real history of their world. And then I knew that my parents didn't care about me reading it because they knew it didn't matter. I wasn't going into the military after all. I certainly wasn't going to get any higher education. I felt.. I don't know if betrayed covers it. I felt like I was nothing, and would have been blissfully ignorant and thinking I was smart if my brother didn't care enough to tell me the truth."
Tasha's eyes widen, and she feels as stunned as she looks. It's at this moment she realizes she's never really sat down with someone and worked through their troubles, their real, every day, interpersonal and intercultural struggles, quite like this. Both she and Gabriel tended to skirt around the subject; he had avoided meshing with Abaddonian society and that society had rejected her. She suspects, now, that Gabriel knew what it was really like and feared to tell her for some reason, perhaps afraid to let down both her and the Expedition, his love and his guide, and the only remaining vestiges of the Expedition he once knew.
It makes her wrinkle her muzzle, ears flattening. And here, another example, and again with Katherine.
And yet Tasha isn't exactly sure what to say. She grew up poor, a laborer, and Hakeber's life would have seemed a grand thing to who she once was, with no room for complaint. Yet now she's another person, as different from who she was as she is from Lacci. In fact. most of the people she knows joined her to escape their personal lives, none of them have ever talked to her so directly about it before. Hakeber can see Tasha struggle a long moment before speaking.
"I'm not sure what to say, Hake. That seems very ... awful," she admits, taking the honest route. "Knowledge was thrust upon me, forced in to my head. I didn't know, then I did. But I can see, in hindsight, how awful it might have been if I didn't know. Or, if I did know but chose to ignore what I know. That's why I left Sinai."
"I haven't actually gotten to the bad part," Hakeber mutters. "Well, that was pretty devastating to me at the time. I was all of thirteen, and nothing made sense any more, on top of all the other things that don't make sense when you're thirteen. But Tobin made me promise not to confront my father. To just pretend everything was fine. And I did. Because I trusted my brother. Then he came by one day to pick me up from school. He was in uniform and everything. He asked me if I wanted to be a real historian. And I told him I did, despite everything. And he explained about the Templars, and because I was thirteen it sounded perfect. Even when he explained about basically leaving my family forever. I was only thinking about mom and dad any what I felt they'd done to me, so I was fine with that. And he took me to a Templar recruiter.. and I left it all behind. It still hits me though. I love my brother, and he loved me enough to never see me again because he thought I'd be happier with a new life. I miss him.. I'm always trying to fill the space he left. Men, girls, booze. And learning. I never had a stronger incentive than knowing that my brother sacrificed so much for me to be where I was."
"But in this place, going through all these things, part of me is angry with him," Hakeber admits. "I would have been happy, not knowing. A happy doll, probably marrying the son of some friend of my parents.. probably someone in the military. Just happy being pretty and thinking I knew more than the other girls."
"You might have been happier too," Hakeber notes. "If I hadn't been there to help you down this hole."
Tasha reviews what she's been told, puts it in a line, sorts it by what she knows of Abaddon. A large part of the story remains foreign territory, strange, hard to empathize with due to the difference in culture and upbringing. Not terribly unlike what Nora and Gabriel explained of their early lives, except at least she could understand being born in to a position where you were expected to labor and perform to a standard. That your existence was gauged upon how well you followed orders, lead by persons with a plan, and you a cog in that plan. That she understands.
But Hakeber's tale is one of privledge and accepting difficulty, of putting aside comfort and indulgence in favor of knowledge. It's only at this point in her life could she hope to understand that thinking, because she left Abaddon, a peaceful life, and quite nearly everything to know. To know, and more so, become greater. "Hake, you didn't lead me anymore, lets be clear about that. I came to you, and I had been looking and seeking for months before we met."
Tasha looks around a moment, then stands to go get their drinks. "Once Nora taught me the truth -- or crammed the truth in to me -- I couldn't go back. What I realized later is that I also couldn't return to being a 'nobody'. I saw the stars and wanted to touch them. Then, once I kept going, I became afraid to stop. I still am. I don't know who I am, when I stop. So at least don't worry about that."
"It's just this place," Hakeber says, sounding a bit worn down. "Mirrors. You can't look into a mirror here, because you can't tell which side you're on."
"Then be on both sides, and tell both of you to relax -- or else you be wantin' to tell 'em to shove it, aye?" Tasha winks, placing the drinks on the table. They're very tall, rainbow drinks. The best the ship's stores could do to approximate a Rainbow Coalition. "But I think there's suffering both ways. We all struggle with what we are and what we chose, from you, to me, to Sam, to Hastur, to Persephone and even the Null."
Hakeber stares at the drink. Then carefully picks it up and has a sip. "Being around others helps," Hakeber says. "With Yue gone I don't want to be in my room alone. I'm glad you're letting me stay with you, Tasha."
"And I am glad you're staying with me, too, Hake." Tasha picks up her enormous drink and taps Hakeber's equally enormous drink. "I wasn't sure when to say this, so I'll just say it now, but I think I love you. At the very least, I can't stand the idea of you suffering and I don't like the idea of you not being around at all."
Hakeber smiles and would probably wag her tail if she wasn't sitting on it. "Thank you, Tasha. I'm never sure if you're a sister or a lover or just someone who like broken girls. You're softer now too, so better to cuddle."
"Inside, too, probably." Tasha pats her chest over where she presumes her heart is, although she hasn't checked yet so it could possibly be in her tail for all she knows. "And can't I be all three?" She grins. "That's very normal for Galactic Vartans."
"But I like older girls," Tasha then adds, grinning more.
"I'm wiser, aren't I?" Hakeber says. "So that's just as good! I keep forgetting about age though. I mean.. I know Gabriel is probably twice our age.. relatively speaking. He doesn't seem like it though. Some men don't look middle aged. Did you know Aaron was having a mid-life crisis because he turned thirty? How old is Liza? I.. don't even know how old Katie is. Necessity is easier because she's human, but then there's Yue and Jonas who I can't guess at at all. The Phins could be kids for all I know."
"Maybe it's best we don't know. If there's a problem, someone can tell us." Tasha nods slowly, in that wise-knowing way. "I think I could either be nineteen, or one week. On the positive side of things, every woman is now older than me, so clearly I should get to that.
"Are you sure?" Hakeber asks, and sips her drink while looking at Tasha. "I'm not sure how it worked, but.. isn't it still your flesh, just.. remolded? How do you know it's all new?"
"Well, you see," Tasha begins, pulling the cherry from her drink, "If this was me before ... " She then tossesit back to her mouth, and promptly chews and swallows it. "That was me after. When I woke up I was a Human, some kind of bird, some kind of Bromthen hog ... thing, and a white wolf. Unless I'd been getting bigger and no one told me, I'm sure there wasn't enough of me to make four creatures."
"So what were they made from?" Hakeber asks. "Charon?"
Tasha lifts her hands and waggles her fingers. "Hand crafted matter? Warped space-time approximating matter? The leftovers of Port Side Wall 26B Arterial Antechamber? My soul is my soul, at least. Mostly? Persephone is still working on it, I am not actually complete."
"So.. when you got blown last time, they used Rapatia's cells to regenerate your wounds," Hakeber points out. "Is she part of you too now?"
Tasha sips while looking at Hakeber across the top of her drink, then she rolls her eyes. "Persephone didn't give me a manifest Hake. You'll have to ask her yourself when and if we see her again. I am content to trust my big dragon-whale-mom-mentor's care and quality. If I can't trust her after giving everything I had to save Charon, I don't think I can trust anyone or anything."
Hakeber seems like she's about to laugh, then gets a look of realization on her face, and takes an actual swallow of her drink instead of a sip this time.
"Are you think perhaps I may not be me and am just a clone or drone or hyperdimensional remote?" Tasha arches her brows, then she too has a long sip, except she does it to look coolly challenging, and so insightful and impressive. And also, because she just wanted a long sip after Hakeber had her's.
"No, it's just.. did your Rapatia hand ever seem to act on its own?" Hakeber asks.
"No?" Tasha turns to look at her left hand, flexing it. "Remy did tell me I had a risk of cancer if I remained on Abaddon, something about the healing process and the cells. My makeup was never that stable, even Charon thought so." She then looks up. "Why?"
"Well it just struck me," Hakeber says. "Your left hand, your left eye.. but your left ear wasn't completely replaced, nor your foot. Aaron's left eye, hand, ear and foot are black, and he claims they're from his evil twin. I know the black hand wanders when he isn't paying attention. So.. just a weird coincidence I guess. I'm surprised it never occurred to me before."
"Well he and I do seem to share the road together, why not other things?" Tasha shrugs her shoulder, then puts her drink aside and leans forward. "I've been thinking about your brother while we've been talking, and now that I've had some time to work it over, and drink it over, I think he must be wondering the same thing himself. Did he make the right choice? Did he hurt you? If my time with godlike beings has taught me anything, it's that everyone has problems. And, I'd bet you a cask he was keeping tabs on you."
"Then he must be panicking now," Hakeber says. "So.. I hope he wasn't! I don't want him to be more worried. I should tickle you for making me think that, you know."
Tasha presses her hands together, as if in prayer, and leans back to sit straight. "As the Will of a hidden power I must speak the truth and reveal that which we would not chose to see." She then wiggles her ears and her tail, which snakes in from under the table, waggles at her in the tail form of the raspberries. "Besides," she adds, "it may be true. Katie has a similar problem. You two should talk it over, about what to do. I'm sure she'd be a big help. And if not, I'll kidnap him and explain things."
"Well.." Hakeber begins to say, only to stop when a very naked Dr. Sen comes through looking like she's half-asleep or in a trance. She takes Hakeber's drink from her hand, downs it in one long swig, hands back the empty glass, then turns and shuffles back out towards Liza's room. "Well," Hakeber continues, "I didn't think that would be something she and I would be bonding over. I always assumed it would come during a threesome after you had passed out."
"Miss Sen and I have never done such a thing. I limit the amount of spies I sleep with to one, I don't want my spies to fight over my personal time," Tasha insists, watching Yue wander off with some interest. When the Human is gone, Tasha admits, "I've always seen her as more of a mentor figure, like Bumper. I am a little curious about Human women now, after my experience. Is that cheating? I'd like to cheat a Human girl sometimes. Maybe on Ymir?"
"I think Gabriel doesn't consider it cheating if it's another woman," Hakeber says. "But if it's a human he might want to join in, you never know. Yue is too small. She's bunny-sized. What do you think they're doing with her? I didn't see any goo dribbling out of her, so she must be over the ritual."
"Yue's hypersenstive to psionics, right? And you heard what Sam said, about the horror outside of our inner universe, our soul. Real-reality. I think maybe Yue caught a glimpse of what that is. The Shadow-beings are made from it, from the dredges and broken pieces of souls and other things besides." And then Tasha takes another sip of her rainbow-colored, cheery looking drink, completely at odds with the topic. Her tail flicks; a kind of shrug. "That's a lot for anyone to see, let alone someone sensitive to it. I thought about talking to her, but I don't want to be a reminder."
"I guess the Lapi are helping her.." Hakeber says, and bites her lip. "It's probably just cuddling. Like.. a sandwich. Naked bunny sandwich with Yue in between. Wanna go lie down for a bit together? Maybe take a bath? I feel like I could use a bath right now."
"Of course I do, Hake." And so Tasha throws back her own drink, then rises. "We can clean up later. Lets go do some of our own relaxing. We still have a long ways to go."