Tasha was not prepared for things to escalate like they did. A single 'sibling' on their own would not put out much of a psychic wave, but two - with one being Tasha - put out something more noticeable. And it had a sympathetic effect on the others, apparently, because soon Sasha just had to see what was going on (and brought a curious Katie along as well). Once there were three of them, Vasha had to show up. And then somehow (gravity?) Gabriel and Hakeber were pulled into the mix as well.
Bruising was unavoidable with so many knees and elbows, but it was that noticeable given all of the psychic feedback going on. It was impossible to keep track of everyone, but Tasha can be reasonably sure she had some quality time with everyone at least once. When things finally calmed down, the environmental controls for the room were working overtime to deal with all of the body heat and humidity. Human sweat turned out to be a lot saltier than Tasha was used to, which left her feeling thirsty as tried to make her way to the top of the pile.
She also learned the hard way that Vasha snored, since her beak was right next to Tasha's head and barely muffled by Tasha's own wing. And none of them had even been drinking first! Psychic feedback is a powerful thing.
Tasha is in a haze. She did all of it, but after the fact, it's a lot to process -- especially the overwhelming manner in which the psychic feedback spread. She had heard the feedback might happen, but she'd dismissed it. After all, weren't they all different? But she knows, too, they share the same soul, and maybe that's the secret. They may all be different, but they are all her, and she them, even if they are many. She is many. Four individual lives, all connected, all the same deep down in that boundless place where the soul resides.
And, Tasha remembers, she was with everyone at least once. She has a thought as she closes her muzzle around Vasha's beak to muffle her while she wiggles free, that she hopes she didn't get herself pregnant. Though, if she did, she does have to admit she's good. All of her are good. She just never expected to learn that from the other end. Beyond that the rest is hazy, she wonders who was with the others -- could everyone have been with everyone, at least once? That would be something. And maybe more; also, later. Right now she wants to get up.
Luckily it's Sharon sprawled on top and not Gabriel or Hakeber, as both of them are hard to move when unconscious. Hakeber because she sleeps like a corpse, and Gabriel because he might pull you into a bear hug. But the human is the lightest and also the slipperiest, so easiest to move.
Once free Tasha scoots away, then stretches in the low light of the room. She's matted, drying, just an incorrigible mess, and she's pretty certain something changed today, even if she hasn't decided on what, or how. Certainly, she reasons, you can't make out with three of yourself and really be just a regular person from Abaddon anymore, to say nothing of finally understanding her soul resides in four people. She is, quite literally, four people. And, that will take some time to adjust to. Right now, she looks around, trying to decide what to do with herself. A shower seems like a good idea, but she feels like waking people would break the magic silence.
There is the hot spring of course, which can probably get to without drawing a lot of attention. Everyone that would react to scent is on the bed already. Unless Kobolds have really good sniffers. And she'd definitely need to avoid Aaron's nose. Or she could fly to the lake. The Phins don't seem to have much of a sense of smell at all.
Tasha opts for the hot springs; she is after all aligned to the flame, from a dragon of earth and fire -- and what's more aligned to flame and earth in water than a hot spring? She heads for the balcony and takes flight, but not before grabbing a few towels and a snack.
Nobody else is in the air at the moment. She spots a group of Kobolds constructing some sort of siege engine, and can see Thermoriax and Gwyndrael in the opposite direction, sunning themselves on top of the Dark Horse. The larger Kobolds are also doing something with the mercenaries. There's no signs of the Lapis, humans or stranger beings (although Kai surely knows what happened - she probably set things up that way in the first place).
"Probably," Tasha agrees with her internal assessment. And so she lands by the rocky edge of the hot springs. Wearing nothing, she puts the towels aside, the snack bar atop, and then just slips right in.
"Ahhhhhh," the red woman goes. The heat feels wonderful and resonates with her besides. She wonders if the little fire spirit might enjoy the heat, and so tries to summon him to hand.
Redfang appears, coiled around Tasha's arm. "What are we gonna burn?" he asks, little flames behind his eyes.
"We're just here to enjoy the heat of the water. There'll be plenty to burn later. Not every fire needs to be a fire of literal destruction, and I exhausted one kind of fire already." Tasha stretches out, placing the dragon on a stone beside her. "So, tell me about what you can teach me. Areas I can improve, what you offer."
"You need to burn stuff more often, or I'll get pent up," Redfang claims. "Until I EXPLODE! Also you need to eat spicier food, seduce more dragons, and so on. I can teach you.. hmm... hmmm...." The little dragon actually chews on the tip if his tail as he thinks. "Well, there's the boring stuff, like controlling the flame of other things."
"That sounds interesting, how can I do that? You know it's easier to burn more things if I know how to burn things more." Tasha smiles, pleased with her logic. "And you're saying if I don't burn things and sleep with dragons, there will be a problem?"
"That depends on whether you want to end up like Farnettor or not," Redfang posits. "The urges will build up though, and then.. orgy! But of fire! Or fire-adjacent things, some of which you already did during the orgy."
"Well, I can handle that. Sex, destruction, violence, setting random things on fire sometimes, all of those I can handle." Tasha even thought ahead, having collected a small assortment of things to burn, such as cigars, cigarettes, various incense -- she decides to expand her collection to manage her new nature. Some might call it an addiction, but addictions are more distant, farther from the self. She knows the flame is part of her now, as is dragon, even if it is just growing. And, she wouldn't want to explode in the wrong way.
"So how do I control the flame of others? Is that literal, or emotional? Or something else?" Tsha looks over, arms back on the rocks, comfortable.
"Well, you start with yourself," the dragon-spirit says. "Like you did before with the tasty looking one."
"Which one is that?" Tasha would describe many of the people she knows as tasty, though not in the literal sense. "Vasha?"
"No no, not the turkey," Redfang says. "The hairless monkey one. Flame calls to flame, and she is a mirror of your flame."
"Oh Sharon, yes, she said as much. That she could do well in healing, as I do well in destruction. I can see in hindsight why we caused so much psychic resonance. So I should nurture her own flame, then? Help her learn to heal?" Tasha's ears perk. "Or at least direct her to do so?"
"Sure, sure," Redfang says. "She will be easier to work with, before trying a dragon. Or one of the others. What you call 'healing' is just flame control."
"I suppose that makes sense. So just nurture her talents, as she grows, so do I, because it's a mirror." Tasha nods slowly; it makes sense. "Any other advice?"
"Eat more sugar," the dragon advises. "Dragons never get enough. Sugar is the basic element of flame. Every cell in the body stores it for later burning. The more you have, the more you can burn without drawing on your own life flame, like when the witch made you melt that wall."
"Ooo, an excuse to eat a lot of sugar. Well." Tasha reaches over and grabs her snack bar which, as it happens, has sugar. "And a way not to get fat! Ideal." She even tries to feed a little bit of it to the dragon spirit.
It sort of hovers in his mouth before burning up. "So, you can control where cells burn or don't burn. Make someone sleepy. Make them aroused. Make them burn up. Speed up normal processes like healing. Tricks of the immortals."
"Now that is very handy to know. I take it Sharon is a more delicate hand at this, while I focus on more offensive and creative uses. I wonder if Sasha would be good at heating non-living things, like metals." Tasha taps her chin. "And would it be bad of me to try and seduce the red dragon? Gwyndrael might think it's funny."
"She's a priestess," Redfang notes. "Wizard is alright. Much easier."
"Turkey girl can maybe learn to control anger in others," he then suggests.
"And you can all probably work through one another, too," the dragon says. "Maybe. Easy to find out."
"That sounds very dangerous, letting her do that. But I suppose I should let her try. As for the wizard, I think Sharon wnats to try that one. She'd be upset with me if I did it first." Tasha stretches, feeling suitably soaked. "How does that work? Working through each other?"
"Same as the witch worked through you," Redfang says. "Those three were made so that you could work through them. You need to.. synchronize. Like in the orgy, just not all in the same room."
"I'll talk to them and we'll work out a time and place to practice. Gabriel suggested volleyball; I'm not sure what that is but it probably involves a game with a ball and opponents." Tasha thinks for a moment, then adds, "And we can try other things. They each have areas they're better at than I am alone."
"Is it a fun game?" Redfang asks. "Is the ball on fire?"
"Well, a volley is something weapons do, like gunfire, or cannons, so.. maybe?" Tasha shrugs unknowingly. "Anyway, enough bathing for me, back inside and I'll think about what you've told me. It's not every day you realize you really are four separate people. I wonder what this will do to my sense of self?"
"You don't have a single sense of self anyway," Redfang claims. "It varies from situation to situation."
"It's rarely so plural, however, and there's only ever been one point of it. Now there's four." Tasha inhales, then lets out a long breath. "I suppose it's just growing again. I'm just growing far away from where I began, in to stranger places."
"You got a ghost in your head too," the dragon reminds.
"Someone else's ghost. I always considered her separate.. unless .. " The young woman scrunches up her face. "She's in my soul too, isn't she? Like the Yellow. It's all in there, which means it's all part of me."
"If it was part of you when you were hardened, yes," Redfang says. "But I'm not part of you in the way they are."
"More of an ambient existence? Are you part of the dragon's energy I consumed, or split off from it?" Tasha looks over, laying her head on her hands and studying the little dragon. Despite the weighty conversation, she still finds it cute.
"I'm a bit of what was left," Redfang says. "Made more palatable. I suppose I'm software running on your hardware."
"That does sound like something that's left running on me would say," Tasha agrees. She can't imagine the dragon the spirit came from commenting on software. And then consideration of software makes Tasha a bit nostalgia, as well as a little homesick. She's traveled far now, but she still has places she should return to, if only now and then. "Well, I'll arrange some experimentation and practice. That should help it all quite a bit. For now, maybe I'll go check up on the dragons. If I were respectably dressed I might check up on the others, but I feel like that would be disruptive to military training."
"Dragons fight naked all of the time, you just need to make your skin harder," Redfang says, then tilts his head to the side. "Although sometimes they also wear armor, but mostly to look cool."
"Except those soul eating steel dragons, I don't think they cared about cool. Or anyone but themselves," Tasha notes, head tilting and brow raising. "Can I harden my skin with what I've got now, or is that beyond me?"
"You can wear cool armor right now," Redfang says, which clearly is more valuable in his opinion. "Also you have invisible armor already."
"The Blue and the impact shield? Yeah, and I suppose I can just wear powered armor if I need to. I did have an idea of working with Vasha to make a larger powered suit that maybe incorporates some means to change flame in to other useful things, like force with propellant, or electrical power. A lot of power sources, weapons, and other things use heat to work." Tasha's tail wags at her insight. "Then I can produce my own energy supply."
"It has to come from somewhere though," Redfang cautions. "For dragons, they can afford to burn their life energy because they're immortal and so have a lot of it. That's why learning to control external sources is useful for you."
"Well, it's mostly a backup, it just means I can do it and if I have some external source that's not, I don't know, reactor fuel or something, I can do it myself -- as long as I can draw off energy from elsewhere. Of course easier if what I want to do and manipulate are the same thing. Anyway, I'm just exploring options," Tasha explains.
"You could tear out the heart of the white not-really-a-dragon woman," Redfang suggests. "Or.. just try to borrow some through your link."
"I'm not going to tear out Tia's heart. As for borrowing it, maybe in a pinch if it won't endanger them. Do you want to stay out here when I leave, or head back 'inside'?" Tasha's ears perk.
"I'm not really real or separate from you, just a sort of objective hallucination," Redfang claims. "So I'll go back inside. How wide can you open your mouth?"
"Very fun. I'll just hallucinate you away." Tasha looks away, like with Nora, and then gets up. "Now what.. I guess I should check on everyone and make plans."
The grotto doesn't reply back, other than a very slight echo. Not even a comment about her talking to herself!
Tasha isn't sure what to make of that anymore, but it is what it is. She's got a lot to think about and do, and she's not going to get it done here. She flies off.
The two dragon women are sprawled out on the hull of Dark Horse, sun-basking. They're quite different, with Gwyndrael been of the shiny, fish-like scaled sort, and Thermoriax of the more crocodilian armored type, along with being in shades of red to the other's primarily silver look. When Tasha comes in for a landing, it isn't clear if they're awake or sleeping with their eyes open.
Tasha's sure both dragons know she's there and have probably known since before she landed; she's had enough recent dragon experience (and may be part dragon herself now) to know that dragons have a local awareness that outstrips most beings she's encountered. She doesn't know how well they see, or smell, or even feel, but she knows they have an aura, and that aura seems to be able to sense things, such as other dragons. Such as her.
And so Tasha walks over to sit between the two dragons, leaning back to rest against Gwyndrael. If they don't feel like talking, she can just sunbathe too.
"I didn't think you were the sort that could appreciate solar heating," Gwyndrael comments as Tasha gets comfortable.
"I appreciate basking of many varieties, and what's more, I spend a good year or more out in the void of space in the very ship you're laying on. You never know how much you'll miss weather, sunlight, and the rest until you're in a climate controlled building sitting in an airless abyss." Tasha puts her arms behind her head and gets comfortable. "And why knows, maybe I do more so now? Do I show up on 'dragon radar- dragon sense'?"
"I'm familiar enough with you to know when you're near," Gwyndrael replies. "And you have large wings which make a lot of noise too."
"They sure do," Tasha agrees, stretching out now. "Better pillows than the Human back of the head, too." She pauses a momentm then adds, "I hope the, uh, psychic disturbance didn't bother you two?"
"We would not be able to relax if we could not shield our minds from every little mental mishap," Thermoriax says. "Such channels are left open only to very close companions, usually."
"I'm a bit of a risk there as well. My mind and soul are becoming increasingly busy. I'm four people now! Four! And a partially absorbed dragon skull, a grumpy hippogryph woman, the lingering memories of my creator. It's a weird thing, I tell you, to realize you're now quadruple." Tasha splays her arms out. "I know we're all different but we really are connected. I had no idea, I mean, I was told, but it's different being told and seeing -- well, feeling? -- it."
"If it is too overwhelming, you can probably talk to the Galatea construct," Thermoriax advises. "I've never had an experience that might relate, since I was born in the Dragonlands."
"I'm geeettiiing uuuseeed to iiit," Tasha says with hesitation and a bit of uncertainty. "It's just hard to wrap my mind -- minds? -- around. And, I'm a little worried I might lose my sense of self as an individual. And then what am I? But I was made to be a hive mind, so that's probably my natural state.. " Tasha throws up her hands, then slumps down. "It's just weird, you know?"
"Not really," Gwyndrael notes. "I suppose out in the Churn it is always a possibility to connect with an alternate version of yourself. But I assumed all mortals already had variations of their own identity. And not just over time, but moment by moment."
"And when unconscious," Thermoriax adds.
"You know what I mean, we don't have them simultaneously. I could remote control any of the three from right here, for example. They were created to be for that, but I've left them disconnected, so they've developed on their own." Tasha pauses, then holds up a hand as if presenting a point physically. "Maybe I should ask Galatea if she can create more simple constructs? Something part of me, but not a whole person, with a limited mind. keep track of things, listen, look around, maybe do small things, but not a.. person."
"Like an animal or stuffed toy?" Thermoriax asks. "A familiar?"
"Yeah, or, I don't know, ulitarian. Something I can think of as a tool without being so worried about bringing it in to danger. So, maybe not animal -- because I'd feel bad if it died -- or a stuffed toy -- because I'd feel bad if it died -- but more exotic. I remember, and I see more clearly now, my Titan could house and be commanded by an occupying soul. So that's a machine that a soul can command. The Ogdoad created servants with limitations, but I find they're usually too developed to be considered separate enough. But something like them might work. Just, well, smaller, and more like me. My spirit form has a lot of eyes, so.. like a floating eye? Maybe with one or two dimensions. To keep an eye on things. Enough of me to know what's important and isn't, but not enough anyone's going to want to date it," Tasha considers aloud.
"So you just want to be able to scry on things, but not manipulate?" Gwyndrael asks.
"Or perhaps astral projection," Thermoriax suggests.
"Maybe some basic manipulation. I just know I'll have a eye looking at something and I'll really want to pick it up or move it, and that will frustrate me greatly. But it doesn't need to be incredibly stro-" Tasha immediately chokes at the mention of astral projection, thumping her chest with a balled fist as she coughs, her other hand slapping against Gwyndrael's side.
"I don't like talking about astral projection," she wheezes a moment later.
"Perhaps a bound pixie or other invisible spirit?" Thermoriax suggests. "There's also limited possession of someone that's already in place," Gwyndrael suggests. There are apparently a lot of ways of doing it.
Tasha thumps her chest once more and then nods. "It seems a lot more complex than I expected, but I'm not really surprised in hindsight. I just want something that isn't me hijacking someone's body, isn't something I'll feel bad losing or hijacking, and isn't something others may become attached to. I like Sasha, Vasha, and Sharon just as they are, even though they're all me. I guess I find the spirit of beings to be special, and I feel once I start overriding them, or controlling them, what they had and were ceases to be. It's also a god-problem, something I thought a lot on earlier on, when I walked with a few gods and their works. How to be a hive mind, to expand myself, without overwriting the uniqueness that comes from each part of me, becoming some kind of mind tyrant, or becoming callous or losing individuality. That's my problem. Oh, and learning to become what I was intended to be. I want to experience it before I decide if I want it or not." Tasha rolls on to her side and tries splaying out, dragon-style, to see if that works. "I was never comfortable owning slaves or slave-like entities."
"You need to see yourself as just another body in the pool," Gwyndrael suggests. "The common consciousness isn't in any one body that way. It makes it more of a common sub-conscious, I would imagine. Memories and shared experience. So long as there are only a few nodes, it might work out."
"Huh." Tasha considers that for an overly long moment. "HUH." And then a while longer. "Another body in the pool. Does that mean me, the Tasha mind that controls this body is just another mind in the pool? I would become, I guess, an overmind?"
"Well, possibly an undermind," Gwyndrael suggests, and waves a claw about uncertainly. "Like a voice in the back of your heads. A gestalt entity you would all talk to, but didn't really exist. It would just be a part of all of your minds."
"You mean like a battle-mind?" Thermoriax asks Gwyndrael.
"But wouldn't that cost me my mind? or is it like.. a copy?" Tasha peers at the sky, but it offers no answers. "A battle-mind?"
"Those never worked out," Gwyndrael replies. "It's why we needed Kainudy to coordinate everything."
"It wouldn't be you at all," Gwyn tells Tasha. "It would be something created and shared by all of the involved minds."
"There's that animal.. the octopus," Thermoriax says. "It has a brain, but eight limbs, and the limbs sort of think and act on their own, but they also all remain coordinated."
"Some sort of psychic projecting entity that coordinated everyone through their subconcious? I guess they would have been an actual person too, when they weren't directing people?" Tasha ponders how that could be. It could be very useful, but it sounds complex and difficult to achieve, and she isn't sure she'd fair any better -- especially when the last people to attempt it were all old dragons.
"I think in practice, it would just be like having your own private religion and deity that you define," Thermoriax says.
"This is getting away from the initial problem," Gwyn claims. "An objective observer that is not mentally 'alive', merely a projection of her own senses."
"Hmm.. I think I see what you mean. I once asked an AI -- an artificial intelligence, a machine-mind -- to share with me what its existence was like, and it's like a tree, except each branch may have one or more sub-mind doing one or more things, and the AI acted as a central coordinator and director, decision maker and occasional hyper-intelligent processor. It all seemed like one entity and one body, but it's more complex than that. I think the ship could even operate without the AI, through its lesser automated minds," Tasha compares.
"Compartmentalization," Gwyn says, grinning with pride at finding the right term. "We all do it. Once you learn a skill, you can sort of let it run by itself without a lot of input."
"So, maybe be like that. Consider everyone a compartment, and develope an over-undermind. Under when it needs to guide, over when it needs to control. Usually the former, the latter in a crisis." Tasha nods, she thinks that might work, but the doing will take some work. "I'll see if I can do that, but I'd like to practice with something that addresses my initial problem. An, objective observer that is not mentally 'alive', merely a projection of her own senses." It could be independent, but only to achieve a task, like, wait here wand watch this, or spy on the kitchen and wake me when someone cooks bacon. Listening to everyone talk to it and wake me if I feel what they're saying needs me to wake up for it, or tell me -- project at me? -- what's important when I wake up. That kind of thing."
"Can't you just smell when bacon is cooking?" Gwyndrael asks.
"I may be far away! Or asleep. Or maybe Hakeber shut my door so she could eat it all, there are many considerations!" Tasha says waggling her hands towards the sky. "BUT, it's also an example. Just, an important example."
"So clearly your remote spy should not have a stomach or nose, lest it get distracted," Thermoriax says.
"That is a wise and insightful review," Tasha says solemnly.
"Well, you're a special case I suppose," Gwyndrael notes. "This seems more like Kai or Galatea's territory, since your condition is their doing."
"Also Persephone's, who might have a lot more experience with what it means to be a broad entity. I should ask Galatea to connect me to her, so I can apologize and ask for advice. Assuming she remembers me. Time-traveling hyper dimensional god-like beings with limited memory can make for complex creators.. recreators to talk to." Tasha heaves a sigh. "And there's the whole Kainudy thing."
"Kai knows more about being a soulless doll," Thermoriax says. "Galatea knows more about being a hive-entity. The latter is inside this weird metal ship."
"Can you detect Kai at all?" Tasha looks down, wondering if she can sense Galatea's presence somehow. She squints.
There's the option to open communication via the ansible, but nothing that lets her know where Galatea actually is. "I haven't been able to detect Kai," Thermoriax claims. "She masks her presence somehow."
"She's really good at it, too." Tasha sits back, then splays out on the hull again. "This is nice. I should talk to Galatea. I'm going to do that now."
"She's really good at it, too." Tasha sits back, then splays out on the hull again. "This is nice. I should talk to Galatea. I'm going to do that now."
"Tasha to Galatea, come in Galatea. Pssht. Over."
"We haven't even started to talk, how can it be over?" comes the reply.
"It's a Human drama thing, where crews of starships engage in tense radio chatter and they always say over so you know they're done talking," Tasha helpfully? informs Galatea. "Anyway, I wanted to talk about being a hive mind in light of how cute and perfectly independent my other selves are. I ws discussing with the dragons hive-minding, and the possibility of having more basic existences I could connect to, something less 'a person' or 'an animal' or 'an object' I'd feel back about getting killed, injured, or treating like a brain puppet."
"That doesn't leave much you realize," Galatea replies. "I used to be something like that. What is the problem you are actually trying to solve?"
"Well, take Sasha, Sharon, and Vasha. I like them a lot. I don't want to squash who and what they are by treating them like meat puppets I can hijack all the time. I don't want to lose them. They're not expendable to me, or even beings I want to risk lightly. I thought if I had a lesser existence I could direct, control, and that had a more limited version of me running, I might be more inclined to taking control and thinking of them as an expanded part of me. The Ogdoad made servants with limited capabilities and specialties. I think they're too much of a person to use, but something less than that, like a floating eye that knows what I think is important, can keep an eye on things, and report based on its interpretation of what I'd think was important or my instructions. People could talk to it, it could float around, but it's not a person and no one's going to want to date it. It's a quasi-sentient entity with a specific purpose," Tasha explains. Helpfully?
"Why not just use Kai for this?" Galatea asks. "It is what she was made for."
"You mean to make some of these or.. to actually use Kai?" Tasha pauses, frowning at the sky. "You know I don't like using people right? I'm uncomfortable treating sentient entities like puppets. Even ones specifically created to be everything their pilot wants and needs them to be."
"Kai enjoys it, you know. Spying, reading people's minds, controlling them without them realizing it," Galatea explains. "But I understand your reticence as well, because I would never willing do that, even by proxy. What you are describing sounds like one of your Persocoms, little artificial assistants that know what you want."
Tasha winces next to Gwyndrael. "You weren't there for it, but we had PersoComs, and they were a great deal like Sasha, Sharon, and Vasha. And then they.. They were.. Something happened. It was awful. It was more awful because we liked them, we wanted them around. The system was compromised and Ogdru'hem attacked through it, and they didn't make it. It's how Hakeber ended up like she is, too."
"I know, I have many of your painful memories," Galatea notes. "But the issue is that you want something with limited agency, so that it knows what you want, but is expendable. Is that possible? Would you really feel that something that understands you at even that level is disposable?"
Tasha winces at that, as well. Oops. "Well not disposable-disposable, but easier to lose. I'd probably still feel bad, but I'd feel less bad about. It shouldn't have much personality, just understanding, a basic mind, and some agency. It doesn't even need three or more dimensions. I gave a floating eye as an example because my spirit-form has a lot of eyes, and they don't really do anything, but maybe they could and the.. sympathetic existence of them might make them easier. Somehow."
"But it would be able to operate on its own achieve the task you set it to?" Galatea asks. "Look at Kai, and what you've seen her do to achieve a goal. She has no compunctions about hurting or violating others if it is the most straightforward path. Something without a personality or a sense of self means something without empathy. And I doubt you want that. Unless it is merely a 'camera' that you set in a location, and it just records things based on a set of conditions you preprogram into it."
"Maybe it could have an understand of my will, but not more than a basic personality. It has comprehension; it would remember what it's told, remember what it's supposed to do, and other details, and go about its task, but it wouldn't have much of a personality, or even a face necessarily. It would be a watcher, knowing my intentions and my desires, without much of its own. Just enough to get on. When it's unsure, it could look to me and think on what I'd do. Then it's morality is mine. If I manage to master creating an under-overmind, then it could look to that," Tasha explains. she hopes she's articulating things well, it's alwasy a challenge with concepts this complex.
"Then why not simply use a piece of yourself?" Galatea asks. "Otherwise you are summoning something like an imp, a servitor spirit that is still in some sense alive. If you don't want to sacrifice something like that, then it's something you should learn to do yourself. There is no moral ambiguity then. It's one of your eyes."
"I.. can do that?" Tasha puts a hand over her eye, imaging projecting one of her eyes elsewhere. It's a strange idea, but she supposes it might work. Unless she loses the eye, of course, but she's lost them before.
"The first step is deciding that is what you want to do," Galatea points out. "If I had known what Kai and Samael had really planned, I would not have aided them. Life means nothing to those two, so creating it also means nothing to them. You have that shadow spore element within you. Samael may be able to teach you how to leverage it. Creating a psychic manifestation would probably require all four of your brains working together to maintain."
"Hmmm. But as you say, Samael cares nothing about life. he might push me towards darker uses of my spore, ones I may not detect the subtle flaw in until it's too late. Demons love deals that bite you on the tail later. Kai is similar, but we can at least trust Kainudy isn't out to get us, or we'd all be dead already." Tasha taps her chin, thinking. "I have wanted to leverage the spore better, though. I know so little about it. And needing everyone to use a projection would be complicated for all of us, especially if we're all not free. Hmmm."
"I'm not making you an external brain," Galatea notes. "Consult the Niss for things like that. I won't make you more monstrous than you've already been made."
"Hey now, what's this about me being monstrous?" Tasha's brows furrow, and she looks to Gwyndrael to see if anyone noticed her sudden affrontation.
"Everyone in my extended family is a monster," Galatea claims. "Persephone made you into what she thought was useful, merging parts of you together without really asking you if it's what you wanted. Kai is the first thing Kainudy created, before the Stelya-rhyan, and she is a monster. I am a former puppet that still has programming that can override my mind, so I am a monster. Kainudy is a monster. Even gods are monsters. The only thing that makes us different is that Samael and Kai do not try to hide it."
"/I don't think you're a monster,/" is Tasha's heartfelt reply. "/I know Persephone didn't ask, but she didn't have to. I trusted in her judgment. I've never contacted her to complain or ask her to fix what she did with me. At best I've just made adjustments. Kainudy almost ruined me, and I her, and neither of us called the other a monster. We're just people doing our best, Galatea. Because none of us are perfect, and I've met enough gods and beyond to know that perfection is a very windy word. Kai might be a monster, but she's /our/ monster, and I'd miss her. Samael is harder for me to quantify, because he actively loves and assists his master, and I don't know what his ultimate goal with us is." She considers for a moment, then notes, "/I think you may be struggling as I did, looking for a perfect, reliable, trustworthy entity in the universe, and disappointed by what you've found. Too much horror and too much fear, it makes you feel all alone, whether you are or aren't. And it wears you down. But monster is an easy word, one that doesn't require a lot of thought. It's filled with our vile hatred. It's dismissive. And I think it's an easy way out of a more complicated problem. It declares something is monster, and you're done. No fixes. Tainted forever. Hopeless. It's another word for giving up on people, maybe. On everything. I know because I've felt it too./"
"I understand Samael," Galatea claims. "He's like me. How we use our abilities can make us monsters though. I don't know why you want a spy, or who you want to spy on, so the amount of advice I can give you is limited. Others, like the Niss, have no concept of privacy, and Kai and Samael do understand it but do not care. The same may be true for the dragons. The one who may have the best perspective is Yue."
"Oh. Well, like observing another party or group to see how our allies are progressing, or have it float outside my door in case someone needs to tell me something and then I can absorb the information later. To let me look in five directions while I'm fighting. To search through the woods with me if someone's lost, or we need to find a aggressive invader. To expand my senses beyond what I can do as an individual and to help me process additional data. That's what Mel used to do for me when I was a pilot, I could expand my senses and my mind beyond myself through the integration with the soul-machine and machine tricks, external processors, and camera eyes. Does that help clarify?" Another pause, then. "I feel like you always need a hug. Do you want a hug? If the dragons tease you I'll kick their butts."
"They avoid me, I probably make them uncomfortable," Galatea claims. "I can't say if a hug would do me good or ill. I've been spending time with the cats. There may be mundane technological solutions for what you want. Just because you can communicate 'telepathically' with others does not negate the fact that you have a cybernetic interface poking out of the back of your skull."
"I was told they can't be used with other systems, or at least no one knew how. But we have a lot more people now, so maybe someone does. I had a -- and I think clever idea -- to make a arcano-magic reactor so I could convert magical flame in to electrical power in a pinch, because reactor pellets, fuels, and batteries can be surprisingly rare outside reality. Also, I could eat more without getting fat, so it's a idea with no downsides." Tasha's tail wags enough to slap against Gwyndrael's side. "And I don't think you make them uncomfortable. I think your discomfort makes you uncomfortable and others uncomfortable at your discomfort. You're discomfortable, hard to comfort, and most people around here perceive that. It's like a delicate, uh, vase. You stay away from it because you don't want to break it. But I don't think it's you-you they're uncomfortable with, the person you are that's not damage and injury. And who you could be. I know it's hard to separate it and maybe a bit condescending to say so, but I also think you're smart enough to know what I'm getting at. Smarter than me, anyway! Oh and enjoy the cats, have you considered making a cat?"
"Cats make cats," Galatea points out. "Nothing else should make cats. I've had children, but I didn't 'create' them. I've very sensitive about creating life. My ship's intercom is troubling enough. I've only just learned about this soul-fire so I don't know if it could be used that way to any degree of efficiency compared with Galactic quantum batteries. I've never really had to think about power sources."
"That's a nice benefit. I started out much more limited, let me tell you." Tasha scratches her butt, then gets up to go lay by the edge, some can watch over the landscape while basking. "Well you're doing better with life than I am. I'm not even sure I can handle children, for all the reasons of creating life, but also because I've met you, Kainudy, Persephone, Horus, Thoth, and all the rest. It's hard looking at what all these greater beings have done and think I can do better, that I won't make the same mistakes. As you've noted, I'm a bit of a disaster. Now I'm four disasters."
"Even apes manage to have children and raise them up successfully," Galatea points out. "Consider the unlikelihood of your own parentage, and your childhood. I did not know what I was doing as a parent, but my children grew up just fine. Children are like that. Charon has always been a rambunctious menace despite Persephone's parenting as well. After the second child, though, what seemed scary and impossible the first time is hardly an inconvenience anymore. Like all skills, parenting takes practice and the ability to know that your children don't hang on your every word or action, there is no scoring system, and they will always grow in ways you do not expect. If necessary, I can transmit power through your ansible as well."
"So I do my best and it's not my fault. Kids are just here, i do what I can, and the rest is leaves in the wind!" Tasha actually laughs out loud at that, finding it so obvious, and yet she'd have never realized it unless being told. It was too easy to see the concrete facts and aftermath than the chaos that lead to things being how they are. She wonders why she never considered the origins, and the differences. And she decides she may never know; perhaps it was simply because one was there to see, and the other was not. "Wait what were we.. Oh. Power? Did we talk about.. oh, yes we did. That could be handy. I guess you're like my gatekeeper, dolling out power responsible and making sure I don't get carried away by it all. So, thanks for that."
"I have complete control over your mind and body," Galatea notes. "I won't use it, but I can make certain things easier if I see the benefit and do not have moral objections."
"Well that's a little ominous, but I assume both Persephone and Kainudy didn't have a problem with it, so it's probably fine. Still, a bit ominous. I suppose that does limit the damage I can do, which is nice, because now I can feel worried about it," Tasha admits, but then makes a noose hanging motion over to Gwyndrael, complete with tongue out. "Both you and Kai can do it, too. It's a little unsettling, because here I am worried about maintaining my individuality. But I guess. It's fine. I can't do much about it I suppose." She's glad she's already laying down.
"Well, I can return the piece of your soul that you stabbed into me if you prefer, but I am confident you would not like that," Galatea notes. "So long as I have your Marker, we have that connection."
"Some day, I'm going to take that back," Tasha promises. Galatea really isn't going to forgive her, she decides. Neither she now Kainudy held any serious resentment towards the other, and she isn't even particularly mad at the Ogdru'hem that murdered her. She did blast it to pieces, but after that, she figures what's done is done, and often it's done without blasting people to pieces. "Have you considered you may be a little too vengeful? In the sense it's not good for you. Carrying resentment with you means you, well, keep it with you. Maybe even after it would have faded otherwise."
"It is a not matter of resentment or vengeance, but a disability of memory," Galatea explains. "My memory is perfect, such that there is no difference between remembering something and reliving it as if it were occurring again. I was isolated for so long to avoid anything that could trigger my memories. So I relive the pain again every time I think of you. But I think very quickly, so it isn't outwardly noticeable."
"It sounds like you might benefit from the capacity to trim your memories. Have you considered talking to Persephone about it? I'd be willing to back you up, or talk to her with you. There's really no need to retain such a feature if it's not doing you any good, and since we're discussing expansion of personal abilities and limitations, I'd say that's a definite limitation. Everyone including mortals like me can tell it's causing you pain, and I don't see any upside that couldn't be better solved with more careful pruning. Like a tree. Letting rotting branches linger just hurts the tree; the tree can 'remember' the poison, but it only serves to be that: a poison 'memory'. A sickening branch. Sometimes poison is just poison," Tasha reasons, sitting up as she does. "As a bit of a destroyer, sometimes things just need to be destroyed so the poison doesn't spread."
"I just need to be able to separate the present from the past, to recognize a memory as a memory," Galatea says. "It is one of many design flaws I hoped to complain about to Kainudy."
"Why wait for Kainudy? Persephone's probably better at it, anyway. We should contact her. I'll even negotiate, since this is partly my fault anyway. She still -- if she knows who I am at her point in her timeline -- looks on me favorably thanks to my time with Charon. And there may be too much baggage between you two as creations of Kaiundy. As something of her representative and understudy, I have a certain authority I think both of you recognize but won't comment on because I suspect you think it's embarrassing."
"I have unresolved issues with Persephone which may interfere," Galatea admits. "She may see me as just a broken remote. I cannot predict what she may do, as she has little reason to care about me. I want my mother to fix me. I want her to admit that she didn't think about these issues when I was created. I want her to prove that she cares about me."
"You need her to prove her love?" Tasha tilts her head where she sits, frowning, and suddenly a lot more sad than she had been a moment ago, she just can't articulate entirely why. Oh, it's sad, having to prove love, but there's so much more to it to her mind, and that she struggles with. "You sound a little like Thoth about Horus. That deep seated resentment, a sense you were created improperly and abandoned to fate. Incomplete. For Thoth, it's his dwindling Vril. His quasi-mortal existence, one-of-a-kind. For you it's a sense of dysfunctionality, of being built improperly. I used to have a similar problem with Nora, and I've wondered how many Tasha she made before I succeeded in the long shot chance she hoped for. And I achieved it. But even before that, I had more to my life." She thinks again for a moment, looking for a example Kainudy cares. "You can look at my memories, can't you? Even the ones not part of the Marker?"
"Yes. Your creator didn't abandon you in the middle of a war though, deliberately leaving you defenseless. I can't even tell how much of my memory, my personality, was burned away. Am I who I remembered being, or is that person dead, and I'm just a shadow. We both have something like that in common, I suppose, but you were a person before Nora's memories mixed in. I need my mother to acknowledge me, to tell me I'm real and that she loves me. I don't remember what it was all like before. Do I have it all wrong? Why does everything have to hurt so much? Am I responsible for what I did, killing all of those people?"
Tasha's eyes widen as she sits there, ears going up. This, she decides, is a lot to digest, And maybe she's taken on more than she can handle. But then she remembers what Sharon said, and Galatea just said, and soldiers on, after all, she did start this. "Why do you need her to tell you you're real? I don't think anyone doubts your real-ness, I've never even considered it until you just said-- sent it. I can't tell you why the universe hurts, I don't know who you mean when you say you killed all those people, but I do know you seem like an existence to me -- and why does Kaiundy have to acknowledge you? Need to acknowledge you? You'l always be in her shadow if you forever look to her to answer your questions, to tell you you matter. Because what happens afterward? I know it would hurt, but what about next time, and the time again? Where you matter won't be in you. It will be in her. And who cares what you were, if you don't know what it was, how can you need it? It sounds more like it would need you. Maybe Kainudy needs your forgiveness. Here. Look at this. Look at these memories. Ask yourself why she would make a place of her own creation like this."
And so Tasha thinks back on the entry statue, on the worn stone, on the myriad and seemingly endless graves. On the tree, Kainudy always tended. The one she went to when she was about to die. Even on the chamber of demons, now destroyed by her. All that she remembers of that place, from Kainudy under a partly-sewn blanket, to her walk with Horus. All she can remember.
"Does this seem like someone who doesn't care about what they did, what happened? Like someone who has all the answers? The unshakable foundation you want to base your identity on? Look at everything I've seen, free from your presence tainting things. Look at see how it is through my eyes."
"I can't trust what you've seen," Galatea says. "Only what you felt. But Kainudy never shows anything she doesn't want you to see. I see regrets. Reflections of her pain, but not anything that shows she recognizes the pain of others. The fallout of her regrets. I need to know it from her, directly, without filters. I never thought I would get that, and now I still don't know if I can."
Tasha makes the mental equivalent of a long hmm. "I'd like to know that myself, actually. Thoth once told me I can put my faith in her, but not my trust. Or maybe it was the other way around. And you saw what came of it. There may not be any answer, but we can at least ask her if we see her again. From what I've been told of her deeper past, she cared enough to try and bring things together, but she's also a politician and she can be ruthless -- and I don't mean Kai. I think any of us would make a Kai if we put our negative elements in one being. But, let me think.. Maybe there's someone else."
And then Tasha's memories shift to a tranquil cliff side, and of a dragon white and gold, smaller than the three present here in the sanctuary. "Do you know who this is? She's Kainudy's maker. Immortal. Kainudy doesn't get on well with her, and for reasons that mostly make sense. But I see a lot of her in both of you. You all seem to have a problem with your makers, or made. Would you like to speak with her?/"
"Daniarood doesn't talk to the Stelya-rhyan or T'spyra-rhyan," Galatea replies. "That is something that I was told by the Stelya-rhyan, not something Kainudy told me. She never mentioned Daniarood that I recall. Supposedly because we were never under her control."
"Well, why not ask? I didn't get the impression she held distaste for either group, more that she valued her isolation, privacy, and neutrality. But if she valued it beyond all consideration, why did she call me to her when I asked for help with Kainudy?" Tasha smiles at that, it's a good memory, even if it's a good memory sitting atop a galaxy of complexity. "And you weren't under her conrol, from what she told me. So why not meet her? Not as T'spyra-rhyan, but as a person with a connection, looking for an answer? And who knows, maybe you'll both get along. You both share a similar hurt solitude, an avoidance of others."
There is a long stretch of silence over the link. "I don't think I'm ready to risk that right now," Galatea finally replies. "I am very afraid, actually."
"Of her, or of everything? I understand a bit about both. I half expected her to attack me, or to blow me off. We'd met once before, and it did not seem friendly. I risked it on a whim, because I want to save Kaiundy more than I was afraid. But I had no promise of safety. I'm glad it went like it did, anyway." Tasha considers the other part. "I'm also afraid. I know I don't act like it, but it's because I'm afraid I act like I do. Easier to not take t seriously, and be a bit frivolous. To tune it out a bit. But, I'm always paying attention. I keep everything I can in mind. But I've learned something in all that frivolousness. Sometimes you really can just treat everything without gravity, you can laugh at danger, you can seem air headed. It doesn't change the reality of the dangers, but it can change you, and so your reality. If that makes sense. If you're happier, the future is easier to bear. If you don't give anger more than it's due, ten it's less of a burden." More pausing to think. "I can go with you if you want."
"It's just that I'm afraid she'll use me to get to Kainudy," Galatea replies. "She's more manipulative than Kainudy could ever be. Because she installed all the switches for controlling people. She controlled Kainudy for centuries, and I am not savvy enough to know when it's happening to me. She terrifies me."
"So a bit like you are for me, then." Tasha lets that sink in, for both of them. "I wonder why she decided to meet with me? But I think I understand why she does what she does. She's probably afraid, like we all are, that our children will go poorly. Of the future. Her way is more hands-on. I can sympathize with the urge even f I don't like it, but then, without her, none of us would even be here -- Eve did a poor job with the first Humans after all. Oh, and she created Humans. I feel it inside, when I talk to her, maybe it's because I have talked to many of my creators that I could see past that to the person. Gods have it hard. She's not one, but she also is. She's the only one who can see a future that doesn't yet exist. Isolated and alone, with no one to turn to, no contemporaries. It's a wonder she is as social as she is, and not an unknowable, alien mind."
"She was alone like that for millions of years," Galatea claims. "That was what drove her to experiment with domestication and controlled breeding. But she didn't really want peers, it seems. The amount of time she had Kainudy and Khryss is just a drop of sand in a giant hourglass for her."
"She's remarkably sane for all that time. I've been alive for about twenty and I'm having some problems. Maybe it gets easier with time. Or more numb. She said she's numb, these days." Tasha lays back again, staring up at the sky. "I guess I sympathized with her. not directly, but from all the gods I've met, how hard it is for them. How long they endure, and all the mistakes that can pile up. I thanked her for her hard work. And I gave her a hug."
"You are very brave or very foolish," Galatea points out.
Tasha grins at that. "It's probably both. Don't forget that behind every mortal villain, behind ancient gods that are like us, beyond all the plots, the plans, the failures, there's just somebody. If you, an immortal, can long for appreciation, why can't she?" And so her tail wags. "And besides, I mean it. I didn't come to manipulate or use her. I just wanted help to her Kainudy, I asked if she still cared, would she help me. And she did. And I'm allowed to visit."
"You probably shouldn't let Kainudy know that," Galatea says. "If you get the chance."
Tasha goes "pffft" before she can catch herself and remember she's talking telepathically. "I'm not afraid of Kainudy. Not because she isn't scary, or can't destroy me, or any such thing. It's because we connect as people; I know she likes me and I look up to her. She can't fault me for trying to save her any way I can, it's not like all the important, big people left me with a manual or anything. And if they thought I wasn't going to do anything, they're not as smart as I give them credit for. Oh and I told Kai, who laughed long and really, really hard. So she'll know. Eventually."
"Kai has met Daniarood, so I should ask her about it at some point," Galatea says. "Have the dragons been giving you weird looks while we've been conversing?"
"Let me check." Tasha sits up and looks around. "Have either of you been giving me weird looks since I started conversing?"
"Is that what you've been doing?" Gwyndrael asks. "Not just random fits?"
"YES. And you know it!" Tasha reaches over to try to swat at the dragon which, if she succeeds, she knows will just hurt her hand. "Gwyndrael said she thought I was having fits. I'm suspicious."
"See, another fit," the dragon claims.
"Dragons are like that," Galatea claims. "They use snark in place of personality."
Tasha rubs her hand. "You cheat by being massive and armored," Tasha complains. "Well I'm getting a lot of personality." She drops her hand, stands up, then stretches. "Well, I've had a bath, I've a lot of.. eh.. Anyway. I think I've done what I can here. I should go check on the others, ho are probably waking up now."
"You didn't even offer to oil our scales," Gwyndrael huffs. "Go protect the bacon."
"I'll come back and oil you with bacon grease," Tasha teases back. "And you should have asked, or I would have. But I'd have teased Thermoriax and made it seem more sensual than it is."